Ten ways to increase the popularity of hockey in the States, as
determined by Hank on a dull, Sunday afternoon:

1. Move opposing team's penalty box into the cheap seat section.
Combine with "free beer during every high-sticking" offer.

2. Make the total number of periods of play a multiple of two, as God
intended periods of play to be.

3. Give the San Diego Chicken a pair of skates; he's allowed to be the
rover during power plays for the short-handed side.

4. Add a new line, the magenta line.

5. The Zamboni is to be driven my supermodel Naomi Campbell modeling
the new Victoria Secret Spring collection.

6. replace puck with a much larger version, oh, let's say 10 inches
in diameter, painted phosphorescent orange, and install a black light
over the rink.

7. Change scoring system: a goal is worth 5 points if both teams are
at full strength; 3 if during a power play; 2 for a penalty shot; one
point awarded for every tooth knocked out of opposing team's
defensemen; one point if The Chicken (see above) scores. Oh, subtract
a point from each in the above if the scorer is not a true-blue,
red-blooded American.

8. Televise all games on "Must See Thursday."

9. Film TV spots of Gillian Anderson saying "I love this game."

10. Take away the ice, add a basket, remove one player, give 'em all
shorts and a round, orange ball, and call it 'basketball.'