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THE INTERNET HOME OF ...
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November 1, 2000
JBL WEBMASTER HAS HIDDEN AGENDA,
DARKENS SEASON, ATTEMPTS CONTROVERSY
OK, guys, just want to take a second to congratulate you all on what was
clearly one of the most entertaining and competitive seasons the JBL has ever
had.
* The 2000 campaign included groundbreaking legislation in which we began
drafting uncarded prospect players for the first time ever, adding a new
dimension to our game.
* It saw a no-hitter thrown.
* A league home run record shattered.
* The use of the ultimate hitters' park, Colorado, in play for the first time
by a non-computer owner.
* A final-day series in which Bates Motel had to win a game to get into the
playoff field.
* A breakthrough season, after four years of building, by Cape
Fear, which enters the playoffs for the first time.
* A valiant run by Ryan's Express, which fell just short of a playoff.
* Virtually all of our league games were completed. A caravan ride to
Indianapolis.
I commend you for a great season, one we can all be proud of. It's
unfortunate that one or two of our owners continue to subject us at this time
to their narrow, bitter point of view on this season.
Over the last two years, we have had an unplayed games rule in place, and an
interpretation as well. It is the responsibility of the commissioner to
enforce that rule, and all of our rules, so that all of our owners can
believe in the integrity of the system under which we play.
I reassure you all, as I have in person over the last few weeks, that I will
not allow the agenda of one owner to succeed in retro-fitting our rules with
interpretations designed for that owner's personal gain. There have been
ludicrous suggestions posted on our league site that have essentially
suggested our rules should be open for debate and adjustment after the season
under which they were played has been completed. An adjustment in the rules
to change the real outcome, is what this certain owner wants. There have been
equally ludicrous accusations that the interpretation of the unplayed games
rule -- long ago in place -- has somehow been altered to benefit the
commissioner. Although the commissioner owns no draft picks remotely close to
the upper echelon of the draft, as the accusing team does.
I appreciate the support I have received from my fellow owners on the
application of our rules and the operation of our league and its future. I
have said little about the garbage coming from a minority of our ownership,
as I have always had confidence the majority of our owners understand and
support our situation.
Regarding the season-ending message now posted on our official league
website, I want to be sure to clarify to you all that the headline, referring
to our season as dark and our rule as controversial, was not produced by me,
but again by our primary dissenting individual. I would never insult my
fellow ownership, the time they have invested, or the achievements they have
reached this past season by such a childish, asinine statement.
That person also attached an editor's note at the end of my message to you
all -- which you'll note is different than the version I personally sent each
of you. Such impulsive tinkering -- indeed a one-sided view forced upon us
by this owner -- only substantiates further why the commissioner feels so
strongly that our rules should never be open to negotiation with this owner,
or any other. The decision's have been properly made, within the office that
exists to make them.
I urge you all, again, not to get drawn into a protracted debate with this
minority, which is its intention. There is no need to argue over this. It's
time to take the next step to the 2001 season.
That will begin with the playoffs on Sunday. Mr. Capie will be at the
commissioner's office in Hanna City for a best-of-7 -- it's possible Mr.
Bates and Mr. Goodwin will join us for their series. The barbecue will be
lit, and the satellite dish will be dialed in on 13 NFL games. You are all
welcome to attend. Eat, talk trash, watch Bates upset Goodwin (the last time
they played in the postseason, by the way, was the World Series, won by Joe
while porn star Mr. Marcus performed on video nearby) and see Capie go down
in a sweep in whic his team yields 24 home runs in 4 games.
Projections:
Bates vs. Goodwin
Game 1: Motel 6, Masterbatters 3
Game 2: Masterbatters 11, Motel 4
Game 3: Masterbatters 4, Motel 2
Game 4: Motel 14, Masterbatters 9
Game 5: Motel 2, Masterbatters 1 (13 innings)
Game 6: Masterbatters 3, Motel 0
Game 7: Motel 8, Masterbatters 7 (10 innings)
Capie vs. Cleve
Game 1: Flat Earth 13, Fear 2
Game 2: Flat Earth 19, Fear 6
Game 3: Flat Earth 4, Fear 3
Game 4: Flat Earth 6, Fear 2
Commish
August 30, 2000
Hey, we always wondered how a non-computer team would fare playing a full
season in Colorado's tight confines.
It's a blast. Literally. Kelcie's Flat Earth Society is on a pace for 217
home runs this season, which will shatter the 20-year league's record with
room to spare.
It was a gamble -- scared the hell out of me -- piling up a lineup of guys
loaded with diamonds in a park that's a sure thing.
I must admit it's been fun watching this team become the poster child for
the league's name -- Juiced Ball. But my pitching roots are suffering, and
this will be a one-year experiment.
So the chase for history is on -- even fantasy history is worth pursuit.
For those of you playing Flat Earth down the deep stretch, watch the home run
tally board and make sure you are ready to grab those historic home run
balls. They might be worth something at auction.
Some numbers to chew on:
Flat Earth has played 56 games (32 at home) through Aug. 29.
Total home runs: 137.
Away: 35
Home: 102
Opponents have hit 45 homers in Colorado. On the road, Flat Earth pitchers
haven't yielded much, either, only 16 homers all year. Check that roster --
not much on those pitchers cards in the way of power.
Only once in 32 home games so far has anyone rolled out of a 1-19 diamond
home run -- the hosts did it against Aran Roshta.
Only once in 32 home games has anyone rolled out of 1-19 single -- again, the
hosts did recently against Ryan's Express.
Only 5 times in 56 games this season -- amazingly, three times in Colorado --
has Flat Earth been held without a home run.
Alex Rodriguez in on a pace that could bring him in around 43-50 home runs
for the season. Kelcie's Klubbers hit 102 home runs all of last season and a
couple years ago, with a high on-base percentage lineup, went through an
88-game schedule hitting just 60 home runs.
Of the 8 series Flat Earth has, five come in hitter happy parks. So the
record march in on.
Also: there is a chance Flat Earth could finish with 6 players hitting 20 or
more homers, and with anywhere from 7-12 guys reaching double digits. Both
surely are league records.
PIVOTAL WEEKEND
Kelcie's Flat Earth gang took over the overall league lead last week with an
11-1 day at the table, a turn of events that so upset Aran Roshta it felt the
immediate need to abuse Ross in a sweep and re-take the lead.
Ross is sliding, and suddenly Bates and Ori both have a chance to play into
the division picture. In fact, just as suddenly, that weak division could end
up fielding two or three playoff teams, because Loewy won't finish his games
in the stronger division and will get tagged with a bunch of losses when the
season officially ends Oct. 15.
Sunday is a huge day, and not because those of us with a dish can see all 13
NFL Openers.
Cleve, Bates and Tony -- the guy with the secret sweetie he thinks we all
don't know about -- are riding over to Indianapolis on Sunday for a day-night
of duels between elite teams.
The 8:30 a.m. departure from the Journal Star puts us at the table around
noon.
That's the schedule, grueling for everyone. If Mr. Loewy would like to catch
the team shuttle, he might give the odd guy something to do other than buy
drinks at the tittie bar.
Have a great holiday, and a great stretch run to you all.
July 25, 2000
A couple weeks ago I offered Tom Loewy two No. 1 draft picks plus his choice
of A-Rod or Chipper Jones plus his choice of Shawn Green or Manny Ramirez.
All in exchange for Ivan Rodriguez.
He said no. I was stunned, partly because I wanted to gauge how much he
valued the game's greatest catcher.
Now I find myself relieved, given that the game's greatest catcher, with a
busted thumb on his throwing hand, will have an injury at 7 next year and
may never again throw with a huge minus rating.
So my offer is accordingly reduced to Mr. Loewy: I'll give you Hideo Nomo,
Henry Blanco, Jeffrey Hammonds and a No. 10 pick.
Shoulda thought with your head, not your heart, Tommy Boy.
League business: Don't forget, fellow owners, that Aug. 1 is the trade
deadline for those who have not already reached 60 games. Just because you
haven't played 60 yet, doesn't mean you get more time. Midnight, Aug. 1,
deals e-mailed through the main page to the esteemed Mr. Johnson.
Also: The JBL secret committee unanimously approved last weekend to change
the name of the title given to the league's highest ranking official. The
Hon. D.S. Eminian shall no longer be referred to as JBL Commissioner. The
new title is: JBL Lord of the Flat Earth and All Powerful Omnipotent Being
in the Universe, D.S. Eminian. New league stationary is on order.
I cleaned out the Flat Earth garage this week and found a trade offer dated
two months ago from Bates Motel, something about wanting Kris Benson. I
recall asking what he had to offer, but I now realize he is still thinking
about it. With such swiftness, that's a hotel I never want to be stuck in
waiting for room service.
Who is Brad Johnson, really? I vote we all pitch in and do some research on
one of those geneology websites, and I'm guessing we find out he's actually
Irishman Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.Think about it, there's always
Irish music playing when he calls you, and has anyone ever actually seen
Flatley and Johnson at the SAME TIME? NO! I checked the Lord of the Dance
tour schedule, and they never perform on nights Johnson plays strat.
Best boxing match in the league: Joe Bates, at 5-foot-8, against Marc
Strauss, at 5-foot-7. They'd beat the shit out of each other, but Strauss
would screw Joe out of a decision by giving the judges Kevin Millwood for
eight starts.
Any day now, Tommy Boy is going to have that pre-season draft analysis up on
his site, as it keeps promising, dated April 2.
Worst boxing match in the league: Jerry Smith against Kevin Capie. Capie,
now the Chiefs broadcaster, would get both arms tangled in his powercords
while trying to broadcast his own bout. Smith would discover he couldn't
throw any punches, what with a cig in one hand and cup o coffee in the
other.
The race I'd pay to see: No doubt, Johnson vs. Eminian in a one-mile run.
The rest of the league could play a four-game series before the duel would
end. Just make sure 911 is pre-loaded in the telephone.
Am I the only one not surprised that the Splinters are sliding toward the
bottom? Great managing cannot overcome horseshit offensive cards. That 17-5
record in one-run games in 1999 has been passed along to Ross this year,
which means he will incorrectly over-rate himself in 2001.
Speaking of 2001, it seems Lincoln Loungers have packed it in already for
this season, but does Lampe know that he is not required to disappear as
well? How many frickin vacation days does the JS give for killing Bambi?
Everyone lay off Up and Comers. They are going to kick your ass next year
with the power they'll have up and down their lineup. Kris Benson is so bad
I can't get anyone to even make an offer for him.
Biggest joke in the league right now is that Ryan's Express is above .500
while maintaining the worst pitching ERA in the damn league. How is this
possible? Is this one of those complex science problems to be solved by some
idiot savant like Ash, or by that janitor in Good Will Hunting?
Finally figured out why Masterbatters loaded up on all those lefty pitchers
this year. It's because their manager, a devout fan of porn video star Mr.
Marcus, discovered said Marcus' 12-inch bat hangs to the left. It's true,
it's true. Just ask Joe Bates, who saw the video.
Lord of the Flat Earth
