The Bureau of Caucasian Affairs
United Native Americans is proud to announce that it has bought the state
of California from the whites and is throwing it open to Indian settlement.
UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San Francisco.
UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white people of California.
These winos promptly signed the treaty, which was written in Sioux, and
sold California for three bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four
cases of beer.
Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasion Affairs, has announced
the following new policies:
The Indians hereby give the whites four large reservations of ten acres
each at the following locations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The
Badlands of South Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall
belong to the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows"
(or until the Indians want it back.) All land on the reservations, of course,
will be held in trust for the whites by the Bureau of Caucasion Affairs,
and any white who wants to use his land in any way must secure permission
from Commissioner Brightman. Of course, whites will be allowed to sell
trades and handicrafts at stands by the highway.
Each white will be provided annually with one blanket, one pair of tennis
shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy of The Life of Crazy Horse.
If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation superintendent.
Applicants must have less than one year of education, must not speak English,
must have an authoritarian personality, proof of dishonesty, and a certificate
of incompetence. No Whites need apply.
Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding schools,
to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). "We want
to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their parents,"
he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island; the Florida Everglades;
Point Barrow, Alaska; and Hong Kong. All courses will be taught in Indian
languages,and there will be demerits for anyone caught speaking English.
All students arriving at the school will immediately be given IQ tests
to determine their understanding of Indian Language and hunting skills.
Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at
Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah Salt
Flats may go to Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon may go to the
Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may go to the Hospital
in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff of two part-time doctors
and a part-time chiropractor who have all passed first aid tests. And each
hospital will be equipped with a scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern
tourniquet, and a large bottle of aspirin.
In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, and products will be
given traditional white names. One famous Indian movie director has even
announced that in his upcoming film, Custer's Last Stand, he will use many
actual whites to play the parts of soldiers, speaking real English, although,
of course, the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay
Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed. Whites
will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be required
to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from each tribe
to convert the whites on the reservations. White churches will either be
made into amusement parks or museums or will be torn down and the bricks
and ornaments sold as souvenirs and curiosities.
I am given to understand that this was written in 1978 but the author's
name has been lost. If anyone has this information, please share. Wado.
Return to Tsayonah's