Heart of Hope

By Katherine Fritz

I can't believe Tally's dead. I was just getting to know her, and starting to feel the possibility of...something there. The possibility of romance, perhaps? Something I hadn't felt since I broke up with Kes. And she's gone, too.

Is this the way of it, then? Will I always lose those who I would love? My family, my sister, Kes...and now, Tally, too?

I felt the need to talk to someone about this, but I didn't know who. We don't have, as Captain Janeway so often reminds us, a "ship's counselor," which apparently is a standard position on Starfleet vessels. And despite my position as morale officer on this ship -- not a standard Starfleet position, though personally I think it should be -- I realize I'm not close to many people aboard Voyager. Oh, not to say I don't have friends, but intimates...? No. Perhaps because of who I am, what I am...I'm still a bit alien to many of this crew, even after four years among them.

Oh, I don't blame them. Really I don't. They didn't ask to be here, and they didn't choose me to be among them -- I chose them, in fact, in a burst of...what? Optimism, perhaps? The flush of joy when we got Kes free from the Kazon-Ogla, that made everything seem possible -- and Kessy didn't want to go back underground, not after having seen the sun.

Perhaps I could talk to Tom. Tom Paris has always been fair to me. Others on Voyager weren't sure how to deal with me, maybe even have condescended to me, or thought of me as not much more than a clown or a fool, but Tom was always fair. He always treated me seriously. As an equal.

I didn't always know that. Once I accused him of trying to steal Kes from me, and truly made a fool of myself by, of all things, throwing food at him. I shudder to think of it now. I was ten ways a fool that day. He was angry with me -- he had a right to be. Yet he forgave me.

But he has B'Elanna now, there at the center of his universe, and as much I'm happy to see his happiness, their happiness, right now it hurts too much to see. An ache, almost an open wound sometimes.

I miss Kes. I didn't truly realize it, didn't see how we were slowly drifting apart until one day, we just no longer were. A couple that is. We parted as friends, but reluctantly, as though we both knew what we were giving up, but the relationship had long since foundered, and it was too late to fight for it.

And then one day, she was...gone. Just gone.

It wasn't until I met Tally on Mari that I felt even a spark of what I'd once felt for Kes. It was that feeling of...lightness, airiness, that feeling you think, you hope, might turn to something stronger, deeper. She reminded me a lot of Kes, Tally did, both in manner and looks, and I suppose the fact that she was a telepath, too. She was sweet and giving, and I knew she liked me from the first.

And then, she, too, was gone. It was over before it even started, and she was dead, and I was numb, and then angry. She didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this.

Tuvok tried to help, but he is too Vulcan to really let his guard down enough to show his compassion to me. I know he has it, but he's never been quite certain how to take me. I know this. It took a very long time to gain even a smidgen of respect from him. I do respect his opinion and want his approval very much, but it goes slowly with Mr. Vulcan.

B'Elanna's arrest shocked us all, but when I saw how it affected Tom -- he was so worried, so frightened, trying hard not to show it, trying not to let it affect his performance. Tom has worked so hard to gain everyone's respect. It's difficult for him to let anyone inside that fortress he's put up around himself, to protect that too-vulnerable heart of his. When I first came aboard Voyager, I didn't understand why he seemed to spark so much resentment from people. It was a long time till I understood the many conflicting emotions he stirred in people, Starfleet and Maquis alike. Once he lets someone in, though, he lets them all the way in, and B'Elanna is one of the few who he's let all the way inside. His love for her is a precious thing to him, and he cherishes it. Not everyone sees that, but I remember how things once were with Kes and me, and I know.

I remember that feeling, that my heart was full, of love and hope and so many other things, and I...suddenly I knew there was something I had to do.

When B'Elanna was released, Tom was on duty, and I knew he would be eager to see her as soon as he could get off-shift.

I wanted to give them something, something to let them know I understood their feelings for one another. There isn't much I could offer them, but I finally thought of something.

I went to Tom's quarters. I knew they would be there. Not much is secret aboard Voyager; it's too small a community. I rang the door chime and waited, my gift in my hands. No one answered at first, but I knew they were there. I rang the chime again, and finally, Tom opened the door. "This better be good...!" he snarled before he saw that it was me, and abruptly toned it down a notch. "Oh, hey, Neelix. Is something wrong?" He was flushed a bit, his hair mussed. He was still wearing his uniform, or at least the turtleneck and black pants, but not his duty jacket. The turtleneck was half-untucked, and I knew I'd interrupted, and I was embarrassed to have done so, but I needed to do this, before something else intervened, before it was too late.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Tom, but I have something I need to give you and B'Elanna."

"Neelix, can't this wait?" Tom said, sighing a bit impatiently, and I understood what he really wanted to say, but didn't say.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, "I know I'm interrupting, but please?"

"It's OK, Tom," B'Elanna said from further inside. "Let him in."

Things haven't always run smoothly between B'Elanna and me, either, but we've come to an understanding since that fateful Day of Honor, when we almost lost both of them. Come to think of it, the change between Tom and B'Elanna happened around then, too. Well, anyway, B'Elanna has been quite kind to me since then. I prefer to think it's because I made my offer to her then, to be her release valve when she's feeling stressed. She hasn't done it, but she's been so friendly to me since then.

I came inside, and Tom closed the door behind me. The lights were dim, but I could see that B'Elanna was a bit flushed and disheveled herself, seated alone on the couch. She was hastily trying to straighten up, self-consciously smoothing her clothing with one hand, righting an overturned wineglass with the other. I saw Tom's duty jacket on the floor, and I knew exactly what I'd been interrupting, and was anxious to be on my way, but I had this delivery to make, and needed to do it before I lost my nerve.

I pulled my hands from behind my back and let them see what I'd brought. Tom looked puzzled, but B'Elanna exclaimed, "Oh, it's lovely, Neelix! What is it?"

I set the thing down on Tom's table. "It's a Talaxian heart-of-hope."

Tom frowned. "It looks like a horn-of-plenty." He gestured at my gift, an oval-shaped shell, filled with little fruits and berries and heart-shaped pastries.

"A what?" I didn't understand the reference.

"A horn-of-plenty. It's an old Earth custom from a holiday called Thanksgiving. It symbolizes the hope of a bountiful harvest."

"Ah," I said, understanding dawning. "This is actually somewhat, er, slightly similar. The heart-of-hope is also symbolic. On Talax, it is presented to couples who are newly together, in recognition of their new union, and representing the hopes of all for a happy future together. The fruits, berries and pastries all have specific meanings, as well. For instance, the redfruit symbolizes romance. The little white pastries represent a long and happy future, and the blue Mirellian berries stand for, well," I suddenly blushed when I realized I would have to explain everything on the platter, gulped and got it out, as euphemistically as I could, "a joyful, er, physical relationship."

B'Elanna gasped, looking somewhat stunned, but Tom suddenly laughed and sat down. "You mean, good sex, don't you, Neelix?"

I gulped again. "Um. Yes."

He grinned at me, hugged B'Elanna, then swiped me on the arm. "Neelix, is this, this "heart-of-hope," is it some kind of Talaxian engagement present?"

"Well, um. Yes. Sort of."

B'Elanna gaped at me, looked at Tom, saw the merriment dancing in his eyes, then laughed. "Oh, Neelix, you are a romantic, aren't you? But, you know, Tom and I...we're...we're a couple, but we're not engaged."

I nodded slowly, then tried to explain myself. "Yes. I know that, but...you see, the heart-of-hope is not presented to an engaged couple, it is presented to a couple that one has strong feelings for and hopes will...continue. It's called a 'heart-of-hope' because it symbolizes all that one hopes will happen to the hearts of the couple to which it is given." I had their attention now.

"And...I truly hope that all that is there...becomes true for the two of you. I nearly had such a relationship with Kes once...and we let it founder. I confess I had hopes of...perhaps having something like it with Tally...but, of course, well, that isn't to be." My eyes misted a bit, but I ignored that and went on.

"I hope that doesn't happen with you, what happened to Kessy and me, I mean. Both of you have been such good friends to me, and...I care about what happens to you both. You deserve happiness, and you seem to have found it in each other and...I hope you never lose it." I stood up. "That's really all I wanted to say. I'm sorry to have interrupted, I know you really just want to be alone, but after what happened on Mari...I...I didn't want to wait any longer before giving it to you."

They both sat silently, looking at each other, and then at me. I'd made them speechless, and it made me nervous. I cleared my throat. "Tom, B'Elanna," I said, nodding to each of them in turn. "The heart-of-hope is usually presented in a formal ceremony, but it's been so long, and I've been to so few of these ceremonies. I don't remember it all and I don't want to spoil it by getting it wrong. Please, my friends, accept this gift, and...be happy together."

I touched B'Elanna on the cheek lightly, patted Tom on the shoulder.

They were still sitting there, closely together, knee to knee, Tom's arm around B'Elanna's shoulder, holding her hand, when I let myself out. They are so young, yet they have been through so much. I don't know if they understood what I was trying to say to them, really, but it was, suddenly and surely, all right.

I told myself that all the way back to my kitchen. I had an urge to make...soup. Yes, a nice thick, Talaxian stew. My heart felt, oddly, lighter, much lighter than it had at any time since I'd watched Tally die.

I still missed Kes, and Tally's loss would hurt me for awhile yet, but I hummed a little to myself as I began to chop vegetables for the stew. My eyes started to water a bit, but it wasn't from the onions. I didn't wipe them, just let the tears fall. After a time, my eyes cleared. I continued to chop. Life would go on. It always had.

END

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