| Catchy title, huh? I wanted to write a comedy that you would never see coming out of a studio. Something so raunchy and politically incorrect that it would make Eating Raoul look like a Disney movie. Fortunately for you the really disgusting parts don't happen until after the first act. Whenever I submitted this script before I'd send along a condom for the reader to wear. Hey, better safe than sorry! | |
| This material is copyrighted © 1994 by Tom Alexander. Plagiarism of any kind will result in prosecution. Enjoy! |
"WEIRD SEX"
by
Tom Alexander
FADE IN:
INT. BOBBY'S BEDROOM - MORNING
The lastest video from MEGAHEAD blares over a portable TV
set. The lead singer, known only as DUNG, is deafening as
he SCREAMS into a mike. BOBBY BARKER thrashes about his
room, mimicking the lead guitarist. Wearing a headset
connected directly to his guitar, Bobby is deaf to the
outside world, only the VOLUME of the TV set spares us from
hearing his performance. The kinetic nineteen year-old, a
pale-skinned, dyed hair, multi-pierced (including a nose
ring) average teenager, is totally oblivious to his
MOTHER's entry into the room.
MRS. BARKER
Robert, Wayne called, his car
is screwed up again...
(yelling above the
music)
Robert, are you listening to
me?
She punches off the TV making Bobby's performance painfully
audible.
BOBBY
(singing)
Put your body in Gere,
You furry little queer,
I got you up my ass,
sweet piece of broken glass.
Sphincter of doom,
Sphincter of doom,
Beware the chocolate room.
MRS. BARKER
What the hell are you doing?
Bobby, now aware of his mother's presence stops abruptly.
MRS. BARKER
People pay for that crap?
BOBBY
It has a lot of social
significance.
MRS. BARKER
Wayne called, he needs a lift
to rehearsal.
BOBBY
Animal Rights people love this
song.
Mrs. Barker leaves and Bobby follows.
MRS. BARKER (O.S.)
God, music has changed.
BOBBY (O.S.)
Hey, its no different than...
"Muskrat Love."
INT. DILLIS' WAREHOUSE - DAY
Large windows filter in shafts of light, illuminating the
temporary living area constructed out of used sheet rock
and hanging curtains. From above, the living area
resembles a laboratory maze for mice. The difference being
that the mice in this case are on top of the maze looking
down on the human. The human, in this case, is DILLIS
DUNSON. His young, short, stocky body is sprawled across a
floor mattress.
INT. DILLIS' BEDROOM - DAY
An old alarm clock begins playing soothing MUSIC causing
Dillis to stir awake. Attached to the alarm clock is a
stickum note which reads "Beep Snatch." Looking like total
shit, Dillis zombies up off the floor and into the
bathroom.
INT. DILLIS' BATHROOM - DAY
Dillis fumbles for his glasses on the top of the toilet and
puts them on while relieving himself. Finished, he reaches
for the handle, and his glasses fall in the toilet with a
disgusting SPLASH.
DILLIS
(reaching for his
glasses)
Shit, shit, shit.
Dillis retrieves the sopping glasses and washes them off in
the sink. He looks in the medicine cabinet mirror and
admires his goofy face as he puts on his dripping glasses.
DILLIS
(almost like Nat King
Cole)
Mono Liza, Mono Liza, men have
named you...
Attached to the mirror is a stickum note which reads "Beep
Snatch." Dillis grabs his toothbrush and opens his
medicine cabinet. He turns white with fear as he watches a
mouse suck the end of his tube of toothpaste. Slamming the
cabinet, he runs SCREAMING from the bathroom. Moments
later he returns with a hammer.
DILLIS
Ohhh, Mickey, you're so dead...
Dillis throws open the cabinet, but the mouse has escaped
through a hole near the bottom shelf. The crisis over,
Dillis resumes the process of brushing his teeth. It's not
long after he starts brushing that he realizes he's using
the same toothpaste the mouse was licking earlier. Dillis
GAGS.
INT. ROBINSON KITCHEN - MORNING
EVE ROBINSON, thirty-nine (again), takes a hard drag on a
cigarette as she dumps the last of the scrambled eggs into
Wayne's, WANKER to his friends, plate. Wanker, almost
twenty, shows little acknowledgement of this gracious
lady's effort. Instead he looks at the smoldering
cigarette with utter contempt. Eve rolls her eyes and
crushes the cigarette into an ash tray.
EVE
Happy?
WANKER
I didn't say anything.
Obviously this is not the happy household like the Barkers.
EVE
Your father called last night.
WANKER
So?
EVE
He's in Chicago for the
weekend. Said he'll be back
Monday.
WANKER
So?
EVE
So he wants "us" to do
something.
WANKER
That's a laugh.
EVE
Cut him some slack will you...
WANKER
Why? He never cuts me any!
The stalemate of silent tension breaks when a horn HONKS
from outside.
WANKER
That's Bobby, I gotta go.
EVE
What time are you going be home
tonight?
WANKER
Late, we got a gig.
Wanker slings a large duffle bag over his shoulder and
heads for the door. Eve walks him to the door, fixing his
collar and fussing over him as if he were nine instead of
nineteen.
EVE
Have a good day.
WANKER
Yeah, you too.
Wanker turns to leave.
EVE
Hey, where's my kiss good-bye.
Wanker gives her a peck on the lips. He pauses, close to
her face. Her eyes penetrate his and the tension between
them melts away as their open mouths meet again for the
deepest, longest, most passionate kiss two people could
ever share without conceiving.
WANKER
Sorry I was a jerk.
EVE
That's okay, it's been tough on
all of us. Your father's had
quite a jolt. First your
mother dying and now me.
WANKER
Look he's going to have to
accept you...
EVE
He will, just give him some
time. Be the big one here.
The horn HONKS again.
WANKER
Yeah, alright. I love you.
EVE
I love you, too. Good luck
tonight.
Wanker leaves, and Eve lights up another cigarette.
INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
The DJ finishes delivering the traffic report as Bobby
waits impatiently for Wanker.
DJ ON RADIO
...W-E-D-G, the wedge,
presents, The Battle of the
Bands. Dallas' best, fight it
out in an all night rock fest
to see who has the Heaviest
Metal. Five hundred bucks and
front row tickets to "Megahead"
go to the winner.
BOBBY
It sure ain't going to be us if
we don't start rehearsing soon.
DJ ON RADIO
...The war begins at 9pm at the
Ritz, where every night is
dollar-beer night, and single
ladies drink for free...
Wanker throws his stuff in the back seat and gets in front.
BOBBY
It's about time.
WANKER
Commitment. I think I'm ready
for it.
DJ ON RADIO
Later on this morning, Megahead
will be in our studio with
IMAX. The controversial heavy
metal band is playing tomorrow
to a sellout crowd at Reunion
arena...
INT. DILLIS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Secondhand furniture would make this place look like
Buckingham Palace. Dillis enters swigging a large bottle
of Listerine. He grabs the phone which has a stickum note
stuck to it that reads, "Beep Snatch." Dillis dials a
number, waits for a tone then enters his own number before
hanging up. He gargles enthusiastically until he notices a
dead baby mouse at the bottom of the Listerine bottle.
Dillis SPRAYS.
INT. LOLITA'S BEDROOM - DAY
"Boner's Butt Balloons" is the insignia on the back of a
jumpsuit that is strewn across a chair. Leading to the bed
is a littered trail of clothes, including a candy-striped G-
string. Floating above the bed is a balloon shaped like a
butt. Anchoring the balloon is a card that reads, "I Love
Your Ass," in red glitter letters. On the bed is a heap of
sheets, quilts, pillows, sweat, and two lovers. BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, goes the beeper, waking two lovers from a
satisfying sleep. LOLITA, an attractive housewife is the
first to emerge from the heap, with a hangover.
LOLITA
Hey, is that you?
(poking the other
heap)
Hey.
SNATCH, a male Madonna with rock-star length hair, pushes
his way free from the layers of sheets and quilts.
SNATCH
Huh?
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, goes the beeper again.
SNATCH
Uh, yeah, I think so.
Snatch gets out of bed and finds his beeper tucked inside
his G-string. He looks at the number.
SNATCH
(to himself)
I might have known.
(to Lolita)
You got a phone I can use?
Lolita points to a squirrel on the night stand. Snatch
fiddles with the strange phone before he figures out you
listen to its nose and talk into its little squirrel dick.
INT. DILLIS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Like a miniature battalion of tanks, fifty mouse traps are
lined up on the coffee table next to some crushed beer
cans, the phone, and a package of stale cheese. Dillis has
set the last trap and is now carefully baiting each one
with cheese. The phone RINGS real loud, startling him. He
fumbles for the phone and drops it on the table causing a
massive chain reaction. Fifty snapping mouse traps scatter
in the air sending Dillis diving for cover.
SNATCH (V.O.)
(filtered)
Hello? Hello? Is anyone
there?
Dillis surveys the phone, which is surrounded by dozens of
sprung? mousetraps. He carefully picks up the receiver.
SNAP, a live one goes off near Dillis' arm causing him to
flinch.
DILLIS
What the hell do you want?
SNATCH (V.O.)
(filtered)
You called me, numb nuts.
DILLIS
Oh, hey, Snatch. Bobby wanted
me to remind you that we have
an early rehearsal today.
SNATCH (V.O.)
What for?
DILLIS
The Battle tonight, remember?
SNATCH (V.O.)
Oh yeah.
DILLIS
First place is 500 dollars and
tickets to Megahead.
SNATCH (V.O.)
500 dollars, huh? Yeah, I'll
be there.
DILLIS
Where are you at?
INT. LOLITA'S BEDROOM - DAY
SNATCH
I'm... at a clients. Had a
late delivery last night that
turned into an all-nighter.
I'll fill you in on the gory
details later.
DILLIS (V.O.)
(filtered)
You always do.
Snatch hangs the squirrel up and leans back in bed.
LOLITA
So what did you say your name
was?
SNATCH
Snatch. Snatch is the name.
LOLITA
And snatch is your game. Ha
ha.
(holding her head)
Oh my head. How much did we
drink last night, lover?
SNATCH
(surprised)
You were drunk?
LOLITA
Hey babe, don't worry; you were
fantastic. Best I've ever had.
In fact, if I were a lesbian
you'd have cured me.
SNATCH
Thanks, you were pretty good
yourself.
Snatch gets up and starts to gather his clothes.
LOLITA
So who sent you, anyway?
SNATCH
Some guy named Thor called it
in.
LOLITA
Oh, my husband.
SNATCH
Your husband's name is Thor?
LOLITA
That's just a pet name I gave
him because he's got such a big
hammer.
Snatch sits on the bed and pulls on his jump suit. Lolita
grabs Snatch and pins him on the bed.
LOLITA
I'll bet my husband didn't tell
you I was an alcoholic
nymphomaniac.
SNATCH
(searching his memory)
Hmmm, now that you mention it,
no he didn't.
LOLITA
So what are you, some sort of
rock star wannabe? Delivering
stupid balloon-o-grams, hoping
one day some lonely record
execs wife will make you her
personal boy toy and con her
husband into giving you a fat
recording contract.
SNATCH
(searching his memory
again)
Yeah.
LOLITA
(kissing Snatch)
Alright, Tex, time to get back
in the saddle.
SNATCH
So is uh... your husband in the
record business?
LOLITA
Ask me later, Cowboy, after you
join my posse.
The two start to make love when all of a sudden they hear
someone ENTERING the front door.
VOICE (O.S.)
(calling out)
Lolita, honey, I'm here to drop
the hammer.
The voice is a lot like James Earl Jones doing Darth Vader.
SNATCH
Your husband?
LOLITA
Bingo!
EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - DAY
A Lear Jet painted with the "MEGAHEAD" logo taxis to a stop
in front of a crew bus and a limo. A door opens on the
airplane with a puff of smoke. Out staggers a motley crew
of groupies, roadies and band members. PHIL STEIN, the
band's manager, anxiously awaits the lead singer, known
only as Dung, to emerge from the Lear jet. The lead
guitarist, BRIAN LEAKS, staggers past Phil in an obviously
drugged state.
PHIL STEIN
(grabbing the dazed
guitarist)
Where is he? He is conscious
isn't he? Please say he's
conscious.
BRIAN LEAKS
Philly, how's it going?
PHIL STEIN
This is serious, where is he?
BRIAN LEAKS
It's always serious with you.
The last of the motley crew has staggered off the plane and
over to the crew bus. Phil starts to panic.
PHIL STEIN
Where is he? Where's Dung?
BRIAN LEAKS
Up my ass. Want to see? Ha
Ha.
The Lead Guitarist staggers past Phil and spots the limo.
BRIAN LEAKS
Alright, a limo. Travelin' in
style.
PHIL STEIN
No, no, stay away from the
limo.
Phil grabs Brian and re-directs him to the crew bus.
BRIAN LEAKS
I never get to ride in the
limo!
Phil looks at the limo apprehensively, before walking to
the airplane. The pilot emerges from the plane wearing
sunglasses and a pilot's cap. Phil darts over to him.
PHIL STEIN
Where is he? You were supposed
to take care of him. Didn't
you get my message? They're
here...
(pointing to the limo)
and if that little shit screws
this up...
The pilot whips off his hat and sunglasses revealing DUNG,
the long-haired, big-nosed lead singer of Megahead. If
Howard Stern had a twin brother, he'd be Dung.
DUNG
The name is Dung.
Phil is surprised by the disguise. Dung smiles and walks
towards the limo. Phil hustles along side him.
PHIL STEIN
Where's the pilot?
DUNG
Lawanda is blowing him.
PHIL STEIN
Your wife is giving him head?
DUNG
You sound surprised.
PHIL STEIN
Call me old-fashioned.
Dung marches past Phil to the limo. Phil races ahead of
him.
PHIL STEIN
Look we've got a big problem.
Did you get my message that the
city council is threatening to
cancel our show?
DUNG
Why?
PHIL STEIN
They say your act is obscene
and violates several of their
health codes.
DUNG
Give me a break.
PHIL STEIN
Well, you did eat that bag of
shit in Atlantic City.
DUNG
I thought is was fudge. A fan
threw it up on stage. What am
I supposed to do?
PHIL STEIN
Hey, can I help it if some
people find that disgusting?
DUNG
It was disgusting. I had to
get my stomach pumped.
PHIL STEIN
Anyway, they're here.
DUNG
Who?
PHIL STEIN
The City Council.
DUNG
What?
PHIL STEIN
They're waiting in the limo.
DUNG
Great! What about my fans?
PHIL STEIN
They're waiting at the hotel.
Don't worry we'll drive by on
the way to the radio station.
Phil opens the limo door and gets in.
INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY
Phil smiles at the three suits; CARL SANDERS, BARNEY JONES,
and ABBEY FITZGERALD, the City Council representatives.
Dung sticks his big nose into the car, and the cold war
begins.
PHIL STEIN
(trying to warm things
up)
Mr. Sanders, Mr. Jones, Ms.
Fitzgerald, I'd like you to
meet...uh..
DUNG
Dung. Dung Ho.
(singing like Don Ho)
"Tiny Bubbles in the wine
make me feel happy
make me feel fine."
Everyone sing along,"Tiny
Bubbles make me warm all
over...
The council gawk at Dung as if he just arrive from Mars.
INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
Bobby drives as Wanker fishes through the glove
compartment.
BOBBY
You're making a mess.
WANKER
I know I left it in here last
night.
BOBBY
Why do you keep leaving shit in
my car?
WANKER
Because Eve goes through my
pockets.
BOBBY
Tell her to stop.
WANKER
I would, but then she won't
wash my clothes.
BOBBY
Christ, it's like living with
your mother.
Bobby immediately regrets what he just said.
BOBBY
Sorry.
WANKER
It's okay.
(sees a hitchhiker)
Hey, is that Trixie?
EXT. ROAD -DAY
TRIXIE, an attractive, girl-next-door with dyed short hair,
pale skin and the same silly multitude of nose and earrings
stands on the curb carrying a duffle bag with her thumb in
the air. Bobby doesn't even slow down. She flips him off
as he passes. Wanker offers a friendly wave, in return.
INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
BOBBY
No, that's history.
WANKER
(surprised)
What!? Did you split with
Trixie?
Bobby glances at the rearview mirror. His eyes turn misty,
obviously the recent break up still has him a little shook
up.
BOBBY
(swallowing back the
tears)
Yeah.
WANKER
Pal, what happened? Did she
dump you? Or did you dump her?
BOBBY
Does it matter?
WANKER
Yeah, it does.
Bobby thinks about. Yeah, I guess it does matter.
BOBBY
I broke up with her.
WANKER
Wow, what happened?
BOBBY
I just said I think we ought to
date other people.
WANKER
Wow. How'd she take that?
Bobby winces in heart-felt pain. He chooses his words
carefully, the crushing memory taxes his emotions to the
max.
EXT. DARK PARKING LOT - NIGHT
It becomes apparent almost immediately that we are staring
at someone's crotch.
BOBBY (V.O.)
She cried.
Suddenly the crotch is dealt an exquisite kick to the balls
causing the owner, in this case, Bobby, to drop to his
knees in immense pain.
WANKER (V.O.)
She cried?
BOBBY (V.O.)
She cried a lot.
Tears roll from Bobby's eyes. Trixie starts kicking her
ball-less ex-boyfriend.
WANKER (V.O.)
Wow. What'd she do then?
BOBBY (V.O.)
She said, "I'll always love
you."
TRIXIE
(as Bobby tries to
rise)
You sorry sack of shit!
Trixie delivers a fantastic round-house punch that hammers
Bobby on the chin sending him spinning back to the
pavement.
WANKER (V.O.)
Then what happened?
BOBBY (V.O.)
She ran crying off into the
night.
Bobby covers his face and ass as he hightails it away from
the juggernaut of female scorn.
INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
WANKER
Wow. When did this happened?
BOBBY
Last week.
WANKER
Wow. First you fall down a
flight of stairs, and now you
tell me you broke up with Trix.
BOBBY
Oh, well, actually I broke up
with her first and then fell
down a flight of stairs.
WANKER
Wow.
INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY
Dung sits next to Phil and directly across from Abbey
Fitzgerald. The two Councilmen are sizing up this long
haired weirdo, while the respectable council woman notices
Dung's bulging crotch. In an attempt to diffuse the
situation, Dung smiles and produces a deck of cards.
DUNG
You like to fish Mr. Sanders?
Dung shuffles the cards like a Las Vegas dealer.
CARL
Excuse me?
BARNEY
Hah! Carl wouldn't know which
end of the hook to bait.
DUNG
Is that so? How about you Mr.
Jones, what's good around here,
bass, crappie, blue gill?
BARNEY
Bass mainly.
DUNG
(surprised)
Last bass I got was a 9
pounder.
BARNEY
Uh-huh.
DUNG
We was cranking over some moss
beds, throwing spinner bait.
Strike King's got a new lure
called a scalawag...
BARNEY
I got one. Those are great.
Last weekend, everyone was
fishing chuggers except me. I
was throwing my new scalawag
and damned if I didn't bring
home the bacon that night.
DUNG
Is the fishing good locally?
BARNEY
I'd say we've got a few lakes
that are pretty well stocked...
DUNG
Really? Do you have a boat?
BARNEY
You bet. You want to go out
sometime?
DUNG
I'd need to borrow some tackle.
BARNEY
No problem.
CARL
I think we need to get down to
business.
BARNEY
Ease off, Carl...
DUNG
Carl is right, Mr. Jones...
BARNEY
Barney.
DUNG
Barney. You good people are
probably wanting some
assurances that I will behave
within the parameters set forth
by the charter of your fine
City.
(fanning the cards
out)
Pick a card.
Barney takes the first card. Dung offers the deck to Carl
who takes one, reluctantly. Finally, Abbey tears her eyes
away from Dung's crotch and takes a card.
DUNG
What time does Star Trek come
on here?
CARL
Original, Next Generation,
Deep Space 9, or Voyager?
DUNG
"D S 9."
CARL
Sundays at 8:00 on Channel 21.
DUNG
Darn, we're out of here Sunday
morning.
(pointing to Carl,
Barney and Abbey in
succession)
Ace of Spade, Two of Diamonds,
and Queen of Hearts.
The councilmen look at their cards, smile and concur before
handing them back with a little APPLAUSE. Dung places a
briefcase across Barney's lap and starts a game of three-
card monte on the makeshift table.
INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
Wanker searches the crack in the seat and finds what he's
been looking for.
WANKER
Alright, I got it.
He pulls out a palm size plastic TV set and looks in the
small hole in the back of it. Wanker squeezes the novelty
TV causing it to CLICK a new picture into frame.
WANKER
Oh, yeah, baby. OOh la la.
BOBBY
What the hell is that?
WANKER
Just a little novelty I picked
up.
Bobby holds out his hand and Wanker gives him the toy TV.
Wanker steers the car from the passenger seat while Bobby
CLICKS through a series of...
INSERT - OLD B/W PHOTOS OF NUDE WOMEN
...these women are busty and attractive in a 1950's sort of
way. They also have in common one "other" quality.
BACK TO SCENE
Bobby also notices the "other" quality these women share as
he continues to CLICK through the naughty picture.
BOBBY
You know, Wank, I hate to say
this but most of these women
seem old... er.
WANKER
(getting a little
defensive)
Yeah, so? I like mature,
intelligent women. Okay!?
BOBBY
Well, no one wants to pork an
idiot...
WANKER
They got big boobs, don't they?
Bobby still has one eye closed as he peers through the peep
hole in the back of the TV set.
BOBBY
(hesitant)
Yeah, but your taste in women
tends to lean towards 35+.
WANKER
Guilty. I do like my pontoons.
BOBBY
No, I'm talking about age here.
Wanker, still steering from the driver's side, looks
contemptibly at Bobby who is still enjoying the peep show.
WANKER
(defensive)
Well, what's your point?
BOBBY
I think you might have an
Oedipus complex.
Wanker looks like he just found out he had AIDS.
Incidentally, even though Wanker still holds the steering
wheel, he shows no interest in the road ahead.
WANKER
That's impossible. I always
use a rubber.
BOBBY
No, man, you're missing the
point...
Bobby looks at Wanker who is rubbing his chin in deep
thought. Bobby immediately asks himself, "who the hell is
steering the car!"
BOBBY
(looking out the
windshield)
SHIIIIIIIT!
EXT. REALLY BIG CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY
Bobby's car SCREECHES to a halt, one foot over the
crosswalk and mere inches away from a jogger wearing a
priests collar and a walkman. This is FATHER MIKE. Father
Mike slams his hand down on Bobby's hood.
FATHER MIKE
What the hell's the matter with
you?
(charging to the
driver side)
Not everyone in a crosswalk is
blessed, you bloody asshole.
INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
Bobby recognizes the irate man of God, and quickly rolls up
his window.
BOBBY
Shit, shit, shit.
Too late, Father Mike grabs the ascending window and
wrenches it back down. He then grabs Bobby by the collar.
FATHER MIKE
You may escape the wrath of God
but you'll wish you...
(recognizing)
Bobby Barker!
BOBBY
Hi, Father Mike. Sorry I
almost killed you.
Father Mike doesn't let go of Bobby. His Walkman has
fallen down around his neck and OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC exudes
forth.
FATHER MIKE
Bobby Barker.
BOBBY
(wanting to leave)
Yeah, well, if you're okay,
I'll be...
FATHER MIKE
Bobby Barker. It's been a long
time.
There is a strained pause, obviously some history here.
BOBBY
I've been meaning to come and
see...
FATHER MIKE
Bobby Barker. As I live and
breathe.
BOBBY
(getting nowhere fast)
Father Mike.
FATHER MIKE
GOD works in mysterious ways.
Bobby forces a smile, hoping Father Mike's vise-like grip
will ease up soon before the circulation to his brain
stops.
FATHER MIKE
I had a dream about love last
night. I woke up in a cold
sweat and immediately thought
of you.
WANKER
Gross.
FATHER MIKE
(to Wanker)
Not that kind of love, weirdo.
(to Bobby)
Got something you want to talk
about, Bobby?
BOBBY
Nope. Everything's fine with
me.
FATHER MIKE
Liar.
Father Mike loosens his grip with one hand and starts
tugging on Bobby's nose and ear rings. Bobby winces a
little.
FATHER MIKE
(continuing)
You know, Bobby, we're all just
puppets pretending to be
puppeteers.
BOBBY
(ignoring the ring
tugging)
So what's your point?
FATHER MIKE
I had a girl come to confession
last week. She had rings
similar to yours except they
had a chain connecting all of
them. She sneezed and ripped
half her face off.
BOBBY
Look, Father Mike, we're late
for...
FATHER MIKE
Of course you are. Come see
me, Bobby, I can help.
BOBBY
I'm really okay, honest. I
don't need...
FATHER MIKE
You will.
Father Mike releases Bobby and walks away, seemingly in
slow motion.
WANKER
Wow.
Spooked from the Priest's ominous words, Bobby swallows,
puts the car in gear, and motors away slowly.
INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY
Like a street hustler, Dung scrambles the three cards on
the briefcase sitting across Barney's lap. Occasionally he
picks up one and shows his audience the Queen of Hearts.
DUNG
Keep your eye on the Queen.
She'll steal your heart if
you're not careful.
Dung winks at Abbey.
DUNG
Did you see last week's
episode, Carl?
CARL
With the Klingon spy trying to
kill Worf?
DUNG
Yeah. Wasn't that cool?
CARL
Yeah.
Dung stops his three-card shuffle and motions to Carl.
Carl picks the middle card. Abbey frowns. Dung flips over
the card, Two of Diamonds. He immediately flips over the
right card and shows the Queen of Hearts.
DUNG
(shuffling again)
You know I was supposed to be
the Klingon judge in that, but
brainiac here...
(points to Phil)
...schedules a recording
session instead.
CARL
You're kidding?
DUNG
I went out, met Sisko and the
crew, saw the sets, everything.
CARL
What a bum deal!
(to Phil)
Golly, Phil, how could you?
Phil tries to look innocent and just shrugs his shoulders.
DUNG
Ah, don't be too hard on Phil;
he's got a lot on his mind.
What with all the cities he's
trying to cram into our
schedule.
Dung stops again and motions to Carl. Carl points to the
card on the left. Dung looks at Barney.
BARNEY
Yeah, that's it.
Abbey points to the card on the right. Dung smiles and
flips over her card. Sure enough it's the Queen of Hearts.
DUNG
(shuffling again)
Poor Phil, he has to constantly
coordinate ahead of time with
the city police, get approval
from the fire marshall, deal
with local vendors, and
negotiate labor contracts with
the local union, just to put on
one show. And that's not
including booking
accommodations for the band and
our 100-plus crew. You know
putting on a single show is
extremely difficult and
expensive.
Dung stops shuffling. Carl and Barney wait for Abbey to
choose. She picks the middle and the two council men do
the same.
DUNG
Aside from visiting with my
fans, the only benefit I see in
doing these concerts is the
enormous amount of money they
pump back into the local
economy. In St. Louis alone we
dropped 450,000.
PHIL STEIN
(correcting)
500,000.
DUNG
Half a million dollars.
Dung flips over the middle card, Queen of Hearts.
DUNG
Everyone's a winner.
(to Abbey)
You've got good eyes, Ms.
Fitzgerald.
ABBEY
Thank you.
DUNG
And good taste in clothes. Is
that Liz Clairmont?
ABBEY
(surprised)
Why, yes it is.
DUNG
Ginny Fitzer, our costumer,
does a lost of design work for
Liz.
ABBEY
Really? I just love her stuff.
DUNG
You ought to come backstage and
meet her. She's a really nice
lady. I'm sure she would
appreciate your input, Ms.
Fitzgerald.
ABBEY
Please, call me Abbey.
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
Hundreds of NOISY fans, dressed in black, with pale skin
and dyed hair, mob the front of the hotel. Police
barricades are the only thing keeping them from spilling
into the driveway. SCREAMING erupts when the limo
approaches.
INT/EXT LIMO - DAY
Dung stops bullshitting long enough to notice his fans out
in front of the hotel.
DUNG
Hey, driver stop the car.
PHIL STEIN
Don't get out; we're already
late for our radio interview.
Just wave.
DUNG
Relax.
(to his contented
guests)
Excuse me, Abbey, Carl, Barney.
I don't want to disappoint my
fans.
Dung opens the sun roof and stands up.
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
The fans go nuts. The sight of Dung drives them into a
frenzy.
FANS (ASSORTED)
Megahead. Megahead. Megahead.
Down with the establishment.
Lick my ass.
Run with scissors.
Hey, Dung, you're a piece of
shit. We love you.
I want to have your baby.
I want to eat her baby.
INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY
The City Council representatives are shocked at the
vulgarities from the fans. Dung speaks from the sun roof.
DUNG
(to the City Council)
Boy, I sure would hate to piss
these guys off.
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
Dung shakes his fist in the air before making the familiar
jack-off sign.
DUNG
(yelling)
Alright, Pittsburgh.
PHIL STEIN (O.S.)
Dallas.
DUNG
(still yelling)
Dallas. How about giving me
some Megahead.
The crowd goes crazy. Young girls offer themselves like
cheap prostitutes. Young boys stare at the young girls and
mock jacking off on them. If the whole thing wasn't so
disgusting it would be pretty damn silly.
DUNG
Come on, baby, give me some
Megahead. I got a mega hard
on.
Dung starts humping the window from inside. Abbey stares
at the pounding crotch, waiting for it to penetrate the
glass.
MORE FANS
(still screaming
obnoxiously)
Drink draino, ass wipe.
Kill all adults.
Up with capitalism.
Eat quickly and go swimming.
Welcome to Dallas, dick breath.
Eat shit and die.
We love you.
DUNG
You're all a bunch of mega
mother fuckers.
(the crowd roars)
Now burn this city to the
ground.
With that, Dung disappears back into the limo.
INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY
Phil has his face buried in his hands. Barney, Carl, and
Abbey are speechless as Dung starts to shuffle the deck of
cards.
DUNG
(as if nothing
happened)
There, that ought to hold them
till tomorrow night. Who's for
a quick game of rummy?
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
The limo speeds away as a malatov cocktail smashes into a
nearby parked car. Pandemonium breaks out. Fans rush
everywhere as police in riot gear draw their weapons.
Well that's not quite it for the first act, but you get the idea. Lots of characters, lots of shenanigans. This probably needs one more re-write to take out the expensive parts (I later blow up an oil refinery) but I'll keep all the cheap laughs. Ahhhh, potty humor, smell la differencé. If you're interested in knowing what happens next or you have any comments please shoot me an e-mail.
And thanks for reading.