Catchy title, huh?  I wanted to write a comedy that you would never see coming out of a studio.   Something so raunchy and politically incorrect that it would make Eating Raoul look like a Disney movie.  Fortunately for you the really disgusting parts don't happen until after the first act. Whenever I submitted this script before I'd send along a condom for the reader to wear.   Hey, better safe than sorry! Weird Sex

WARNING: This material is copyrighted © 1994 by Tom Alexander.    Plagiarism of any kind will result in prosecution.    Enjoy!

     
                          
                          "WEIRD SEX"
                               by
                         Tom Alexander

FADE IN:

INT.  BOBBY'S BEDROOM - MORNING

The lastest video from MEGAHEAD blares over a portable TV
set.  The lead singer, known only as DUNG, is deafening as
he SCREAMS into a mike.  BOBBY BARKER thrashes about his
room, mimicking the lead guitarist.  Wearing a headset
connected directly to his guitar, Bobby is deaf to the
outside world, only the VOLUME of the TV set spares us from
hearing his performance.  The kinetic nineteen year-old, a
pale-skinned, dyed hair, multi-pierced (including a nose
ring) average teenager, is totally oblivious to his
MOTHER's entry into the room.
                          
                          MRS. BARKER
             Robert, Wayne called, his car
             is screwed up again...
                   (yelling above the
                    music)
             Robert, are you listening to
             me?

She punches off the TV making Bobby's performance painfully
audible.
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (singing)
             Put your body in Gere,
             You furry little queer,
             I got you up my ass,
             sweet piece of broken glass.
             Sphincter of doom,
             Sphincter of doom,
             Beware the chocolate room.
                          
                          MRS. BARKER
             What the hell are you doing?

Bobby, now aware of his mother's presence stops abruptly.
                          
                          MRS. BARKER
             People pay for that crap?
                          
                          BOBBY
             It has a lot of social
             significance.
                          
                          MRS. BARKER
             Wayne called, he needs a lift
             to rehearsal.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Animal Rights people love this
             song.

Mrs. Barker leaves and Bobby follows.
                          
                          MRS. BARKER (O.S.)
             God, music has changed.
                          
                          BOBBY (O.S.)
             Hey, its no different than...
             "Muskrat Love."

INT.  DILLIS' WAREHOUSE - DAY

Large windows filter in shafts of light, illuminating the
temporary living area constructed out of used sheet rock
and hanging curtains.  From above, the living area
resembles a laboratory maze for mice.  The difference being
that the mice in this case are on top of the maze looking
down on the human.  The human, in this case, is DILLIS
DUNSON. His young, short, stocky body is sprawled across a
floor mattress.

INT.  DILLIS' BEDROOM - DAY

An old alarm clock begins playing soothing MUSIC causing
Dillis to stir awake.  Attached to the alarm clock is a
stickum note which reads "Beep Snatch."  Looking like total
shit, Dillis zombies up off the floor and into the
bathroom.

INT.  DILLIS' BATHROOM - DAY

Dillis fumbles for his glasses on the top of the toilet and
puts them on while relieving himself.  Finished, he reaches
for the handle, and his glasses fall in the toilet with a
disgusting SPLASH.
                          
                          DILLIS
                   (reaching for his
                    glasses)
             Shit, shit, shit.

Dillis retrieves the sopping glasses and washes them off in
the sink.  He looks in the medicine cabinet mirror and
admires his goofy face as he puts on his dripping glasses.
                          
                          DILLIS
                   (almost like Nat King
                    Cole)
             Mono Liza, Mono Liza, men have
             named you...

Attached to the mirror is a stickum note which reads "Beep
Snatch."  Dillis grabs his toothbrush and opens his
medicine cabinet.  He turns white with fear as he watches a
mouse suck the end of his tube of toothpaste.  Slamming the
cabinet, he runs SCREAMING from the bathroom.  Moments
later he returns with a hammer.
                          
                          DILLIS
             Ohhh, Mickey, you're so dead...

Dillis throws open the cabinet, but the mouse has escaped
through a hole near the bottom shelf.  The crisis over,
Dillis resumes the process of brushing his teeth.  It's not
long after he starts brushing that he realizes he's using
the same toothpaste the mouse was licking earlier.  Dillis
GAGS.

INT.  ROBINSON KITCHEN - MORNING

EVE ROBINSON, thirty-nine (again), takes a hard drag on a
cigarette as she dumps the last of the scrambled eggs into
Wayne's, WANKER to his friends, plate.  Wanker, almost
twenty, shows little acknowledgement of this gracious
lady's effort.  Instead he looks at the smoldering
cigarette with utter contempt.  Eve rolls her eyes and
crushes the cigarette into an ash tray.
                          
                          EVE
             Happy?
                          
                          WANKER
             I didn't say anything.

Obviously this is not the happy household like the Barkers.
                          
                          EVE
             Your father called last night.
                          
                          WANKER
             So?
                          
                          EVE
             He's in Chicago for the
             weekend.  Said he'll be back
             Monday.
                          
                          WANKER
             So?
                          
                          EVE
             So he wants "us" to do
             something.
                          
                          WANKER
             That's a laugh.
                          
                          EVE
             Cut him some slack will you...
                          
                          WANKER
             Why?  He never cuts me any!

The stalemate of silent tension breaks when a horn HONKS
from outside.
                          
                          WANKER
             That's Bobby, I gotta go.
                          
                          EVE
             What time are you going be home
             tonight?
                          
                          WANKER
             Late, we got a gig.

Wanker slings a large duffle bag over his shoulder and
heads for the door.  Eve walks him to the door, fixing his
collar and fussing over him as if he were nine instead of
nineteen.
                          
                          EVE
             Have a good day.
                          
                          WANKER
             Yeah, you too.

Wanker turns to leave.
                          
                          EVE
             Hey, where's my kiss good-bye.

Wanker gives her a peck on the lips.  He pauses, close to
her face.  Her eyes penetrate his and the tension between
them melts away as their open mouths meet again for the
deepest, longest, most passionate kiss two people could
ever share without conceiving.
                          
                          WANKER
             Sorry I was a jerk.
                          
                          EVE
             That's okay, it's been tough on
             all of us.  Your father's had
             quite a jolt.  First your
             mother dying and now me.
                          
                          WANKER
             Look he's going to have to
             accept you...
                          
                          EVE
             He will, just give him some
             time.  Be the big one here.

The horn HONKS again.
                          
                          WANKER
             Yeah, alright.  I love you.
                          
                          EVE
             I love you, too.  Good luck
             tonight.

Wanker leaves, and Eve lights up another cigarette.

INT/EXT.  BOBBY'S CAR - DAY

The DJ finishes delivering the traffic report as Bobby
waits impatiently for Wanker.
                          
                          DJ ON RADIO
             ...W-E-D-G, the wedge,
             presents, The Battle of the
             Bands.  Dallas' best, fight it
             out in an all night rock fest
             to see who has the Heaviest
             Metal.  Five hundred bucks and
             front row tickets to "Megahead"
             go to the winner.
                          
                          BOBBY
             It sure ain't going to be us if
             we don't start rehearsing soon.
                          
                          DJ ON RADIO
             ...The war begins at 9pm at the
             Ritz, where every night is
             dollar-beer night, and single
             ladies drink for free...

Wanker throws his stuff in the back seat and gets in front.
                          
                          BOBBY
             It's about time.
                          
                          WANKER
             Commitment.  I think I'm ready
             for it.
                          
                          DJ ON RADIO
             Later on this morning, Megahead
             will be in our studio with
             IMAX.  The controversial heavy
             metal band is playing tomorrow
             to a sellout crowd at Reunion
             arena...

INT.  DILLIS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

Secondhand furniture would make this place look like
Buckingham Palace.  Dillis enters swigging a large bottle
of Listerine.  He grabs the phone which has a stickum note
stuck to it that reads, "Beep Snatch."  Dillis dials a
number, waits for a tone then enters his own number before
hanging up.  He gargles enthusiastically until he notices a
dead baby mouse at the bottom of the Listerine bottle.
Dillis SPRAYS.

INT.  LOLITA'S BEDROOM - DAY

"Boner's Butt Balloons" is the insignia on the back of a
jumpsuit that is strewn across a chair.  Leading to the bed
is a littered trail of clothes, including a candy-striped G-
string.  Floating above the bed is a balloon shaped like a
butt.  Anchoring the balloon is a card that reads, "I Love
Your Ass," in red glitter letters. On the bed is a heap of
sheets, quilts, pillows, sweat, and two lovers.  BEEP,
BEEP, BEEP, goes the beeper, waking two lovers from a
satisfying sleep.  LOLITA, an attractive housewife is the
first to emerge from the heap, with a hangover.
                          
                          LOLITA
             Hey, is that you?
                   (poking the other
                    heap)
             Hey.

SNATCH, a male Madonna with rock-star length hair, pushes
his way free from the layers of sheets and quilts.
                          
                          SNATCH
             Huh?

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, goes the beeper again.
                          
                          SNATCH
             Uh, yeah, I think so.

Snatch gets out of bed and finds his beeper tucked inside
his G-string.  He looks at the number.
                          
                          SNATCH
                   (to himself)
             I might have known.
                   (to Lolita)
             You got a phone I can use?

Lolita points to a squirrel on the night stand.  Snatch
fiddles with the strange phone before he figures out you
listen to its nose and talk into its little squirrel dick.

INT.  DILLIS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

Like a miniature battalion of tanks, fifty mouse traps are
lined up on the coffee table next to some crushed beer
cans, the phone, and a package of stale cheese.  Dillis has
set the last trap and is now carefully baiting each one
with cheese.  The phone RINGS real loud, startling him.  He
fumbles for the phone and drops it on the table causing a
massive chain reaction.  Fifty snapping mouse traps scatter
in the air sending Dillis diving for cover.
                          
                          SNATCH (V.O.)
                   (filtered)
             Hello?  Hello?  Is anyone
             there?

Dillis surveys the phone, which is surrounded by dozens of
sprung? mousetraps.  He carefully picks up the receiver.
SNAP, a live one goes off near Dillis' arm causing him to
flinch.
                          
                          DILLIS
             What the hell do you want?
                          
                          SNATCH (V.O.)
                   (filtered)
             You called me, numb nuts.
                          
                          DILLIS
             Oh, hey, Snatch.  Bobby wanted
             me to remind you that we have
             an early rehearsal today.
                          
                          SNATCH (V.O.)
             What for?
                          
                          DILLIS
             The Battle tonight, remember?
                          
                          SNATCH (V.O.)
             Oh yeah.
                          
                          DILLIS
             First place is 500 dollars and
             tickets to Megahead.
                          
                          SNATCH (V.O.)
             500 dollars, huh?  Yeah, I'll
             be there.
                          
                          DILLIS
             Where are you at?

INT.  LOLITA'S BEDROOM - DAY
                          
                          SNATCH
             I'm... at a clients.  Had a
             late delivery last night that
             turned into an all-nighter.
             I'll fill you in on the gory
             details later.
                          
                          DILLIS (V.O.)
                   (filtered)
             You always do.

Snatch hangs the squirrel up and leans back in bed.
                          
                          LOLITA
             So what did you say your name
             was?
                          
                          SNATCH
             Snatch.  Snatch is the name.
                          
                          LOLITA
             And snatch is your game.  Ha
             ha.
                   (holding her head)
             Oh my head.  How much did we
             drink last night, lover?
                          
                          SNATCH
                   (surprised)
             You were drunk?
                          
                          LOLITA
             Hey babe, don't worry; you were
             fantastic.  Best I've ever had.
             In fact, if I were a lesbian
             you'd have cured me.
                          
                          SNATCH
             Thanks, you were pretty good
             yourself.

Snatch gets up and starts to gather his clothes.
                          
                          LOLITA
             So who sent you, anyway?
                          
                          SNATCH
             Some guy named Thor called it
             in.
                          
                          LOLITA
             Oh, my husband.
                          
                          SNATCH
             Your husband's name is Thor?
                          
                          LOLITA
             That's just a pet name I gave
             him because he's got such a big
             hammer.

Snatch sits on the bed and pulls on his jump suit.  Lolita
grabs Snatch and pins him on the bed.
                          
                          LOLITA
             I'll bet my husband didn't tell
             you I was an alcoholic
             nymphomaniac.
                          
                          SNATCH
                   (searching his memory)
             Hmmm, now that you mention it,
             no he didn't.
                          
                          LOLITA
             So what are you, some sort of
             rock star wannabe?  Delivering
             stupid balloon-o-grams, hoping
             one day  some lonely record
             execs wife will make you her
             personal boy toy and con her
             husband into giving you a fat
             recording contract.
                          
                          SNATCH
                   (searching his memory
                    again)
             Yeah.
                          
                          LOLITA
                   (kissing Snatch)
             Alright, Tex, time to get back
             in the saddle.
                          
                          SNATCH
             So is uh... your husband in the
             record business?
                          
                          LOLITA
             Ask me later, Cowboy, after you
             join my posse.

The two start to make love when all of a sudden they hear
someone ENTERING the front door.
                          
                          VOICE (O.S.)
                   (calling out)
             Lolita, honey, I'm here to drop
             the hammer.

The voice is a lot like James Earl Jones doing Darth Vader.
                          
                          SNATCH
             Your husband?
                          
                          LOLITA
             Bingo!

EXT.  AIRPORT RUNWAY - DAY

A Lear Jet painted with the "MEGAHEAD" logo taxis to a stop
in front of a crew bus and a limo.  A door opens on the
airplane with a puff of smoke.  Out staggers a motley crew
of groupies, roadies and band members.  PHIL STEIN, the
band's manager, anxiously awaits the lead singer, known
only as Dung, to emerge from the Lear jet.  The lead
guitarist, BRIAN LEAKS, staggers past Phil in an obviously
drugged state.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
                   (grabbing the dazed
                    guitarist)
             Where is he?  He is conscious
             isn't he?  Please say he's
             conscious.
                          
                          BRIAN LEAKS
             Philly, how's it going?
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             This is serious, where is he?
                          
                          BRIAN LEAKS
             It's always serious with you.

The last of the motley crew has staggered off the plane and
over to the crew bus.  Phil starts to panic.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Where is he?  Where's Dung?
                          
                          BRIAN LEAKS
             Up my ass.  Want to see?  Ha
             Ha.

The Lead Guitarist staggers past Phil and spots the limo.
                          
                          BRIAN LEAKS
             Alright, a limo.  Travelin' in
             style.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             No, no, stay away from the
             limo.

Phil grabs Brian and re-directs him to the crew bus.
                          
                          BRIAN LEAKS
             I never get to ride in the
             limo!

Phil looks at the limo apprehensively, before walking to
the airplane.  The pilot emerges from the plane wearing
sunglasses and a pilot's cap.  Phil darts over to him.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Where is he?  You were supposed
             to take care of him.  Didn't
             you get my message?  They're
             here...
                   (pointing to the limo)
             and if that little shit screws
             this up...

The pilot whips off his hat and sunglasses revealing DUNG,
the long-haired, big-nosed lead singer of Megahead.  If
Howard Stern had a twin brother, he'd be Dung.
                          
                          DUNG
             The name is Dung.

Phil is surprised by the disguise.  Dung smiles and walks
towards the limo.  Phil hustles along side him.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Where's the pilot?
                          
                          DUNG
             Lawanda is blowing him.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Your wife is giving him head?
                          
                          DUNG
             You sound surprised.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Call me old-fashioned.

Dung marches past Phil to the limo.  Phil races ahead of
him.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Look we've got a big problem.
             Did you get my message that the
             city council is threatening to
             cancel our show?
                          
                          DUNG
             Why?
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             They say your act is obscene
             and violates several of their
             health codes.
                          
                          DUNG
             Give me a break.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Well, you did eat that bag of
             shit in Atlantic City.
                          
                          DUNG
             I thought is was fudge.  A fan
             threw it up on stage.  What am
             I supposed to do?
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Hey, can I help it if some
             people find that disgusting?
                          
                          DUNG
             It was disgusting.  I had to
             get my stomach pumped.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Anyway, they're here.
                          
                          DUNG
             Who?
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             The City Council.
                          
                          DUNG
             What?
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             They're waiting in the limo.
                          
                          DUNG
             Great!  What about my fans?
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             They're waiting at the hotel.
             Don't worry we'll drive by on
             the way to the radio station.

Phil opens the limo door and gets in.

INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY

Phil smiles at the three suits; CARL SANDERS, BARNEY JONES,
and ABBEY FITZGERALD, the City Council representatives.
Dung sticks his big nose into the car, and the cold war
begins.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
                   (trying to warm things
                    up)
             Mr. Sanders, Mr. Jones, Ms.
             Fitzgerald, I'd like you to
             meet...uh..
                          
                          DUNG
             Dung.  Dung Ho.
                   (singing like Don Ho)
             "Tiny Bubbles in the wine
             make me feel happy
             make me feel fine."
             Everyone sing along,"Tiny
             Bubbles make me warm all
             over...

The council gawk at Dung as if he just arrive from Mars.

INT/EXT.  BOBBY'S CAR - DAY

Bobby drives as Wanker fishes through the glove
compartment.
                          
                          BOBBY
             You're making a mess.
                          
                          WANKER
             I know I left it in here last
             night.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Why do you keep leaving shit in
             my car?
                          
                          WANKER
             Because Eve goes through my
             pockets.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Tell her to stop.
                          
                          WANKER
             I would, but then she won't
             wash my clothes.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Christ, it's like living with
             your mother.

Bobby immediately regrets what he just said.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Sorry.
                          
                          WANKER
             It's okay.
                   (sees a hitchhiker)
             Hey, is that Trixie?

EXT.  ROAD -DAY

TRIXIE, an attractive, girl-next-door with dyed short hair,
pale skin and the same silly multitude of nose and earrings
stands on the curb carrying a duffle bag with her thumb in
the air.  Bobby doesn't even slow down.  She flips him off
as he passes.  Wanker offers a friendly wave, in return.

INT/EXT.  BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
                          
                          BOBBY
             No, that's history.
                          
                          WANKER
                   (surprised)
             What!?  Did you split with
             Trixie?

Bobby glances at the rearview mirror.  His eyes turn misty,
obviously the recent break up still has him a little shook
up.
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (swallowing back the
                    tears)
             Yeah.
                          
                          WANKER
             Pal, what happened?  Did she
             dump you?  Or did you dump her?
                          
                          BOBBY
             Does it matter?
                          
                          WANKER
             Yeah, it does.

Bobby thinks about.  Yeah, I guess it does matter.
                          
                          BOBBY
             I broke up with her.
                          
                          WANKER
             Wow, what happened?
                          
                          BOBBY
             I just said I think we ought to
             date other people.
                          
                          WANKER
             Wow.  How'd she take that?

Bobby winces in heart-felt pain.  He chooses his words
carefully, the crushing memory taxes his emotions to the
max.

EXT.  DARK PARKING LOT - NIGHT

It becomes apparent almost immediately that we are staring
at someone's crotch.
                          
                          BOBBY (V.O.)
             She cried.

Suddenly the crotch is dealt an exquisite kick to the balls
causing the owner, in this case, Bobby, to drop to his
knees in immense pain.
                          
                          WANKER (V.O.)
             She cried?
                          
                          BOBBY (V.O.)
             She cried a lot.

Tears roll from Bobby's eyes.  Trixie starts kicking her
ball-less ex-boyfriend.
                          
                          WANKER (V.O.)
             Wow.  What'd she do then?
                          
                          BOBBY (V.O.)
             She said, "I'll always love
             you."
                          
                          TRIXIE
                   (as Bobby tries to
                    rise)
             You sorry sack of shit!

Trixie delivers a fantastic round-house punch that hammers
Bobby on the chin sending him spinning back to the
pavement.
                          
                          WANKER (V.O.)
             Then what happened?
                          
                          BOBBY (V.O.)
             She ran crying off into the
             night.

Bobby covers his face and ass as he hightails it away from
the juggernaut of female scorn.

INT/EXT.  BOBBY'S CAR - DAY
                          
                          WANKER
             Wow.  When did this happened?
                          
                          BOBBY
             Last week.
                          
                          WANKER
             Wow.  First you fall down a
             flight of stairs, and now you
             tell me you broke up with Trix.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Oh, well, actually I broke up
             with her first and then fell
             down a flight of stairs.
                          
                          WANKER
             Wow.

INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY

Dung sits next to Phil and directly across from Abbey
Fitzgerald.  The two Councilmen are sizing up this long
haired weirdo, while the respectable council woman notices
Dung's bulging crotch.  In an attempt to diffuse the
situation, Dung smiles and produces a deck of cards.
                          
                          DUNG
             You like to fish Mr. Sanders?

Dung shuffles the cards like a Las Vegas dealer.
                          
                          CARL
             Excuse me?
                          
                          BARNEY
             Hah!  Carl wouldn't know which
             end of the hook to bait.
                          
                          DUNG
             Is that so?  How about you Mr.
             Jones, what's good around here,
             bass, crappie, blue gill?
                          
                          BARNEY
             Bass mainly.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (surprised)
             Last bass I got was a 9
             pounder.
                          
                          BARNEY
             Uh-huh.
                          
                          DUNG
             We was cranking over some moss
             beds, throwing spinner bait.
             Strike King's got a new lure
             called a scalawag...
                          
                          BARNEY
             I got one.  Those are great.
             Last weekend, everyone was
             fishing chuggers except me.  I
             was throwing my new scalawag
             and damned if I didn't bring
             home the bacon that night.
                          
                          DUNG
             Is the fishing good locally?
                          
                          BARNEY
             I'd say we've got a few lakes
             that are pretty well stocked...
                          
                          DUNG
             Really?  Do you have a boat?
                          
                          BARNEY
             You bet.  You want to go out
             sometime?
                          
                          DUNG
             I'd need to borrow some tackle.
                          
                          BARNEY
             No problem.
                          
                          CARL
             I think we need to get down to
             business.
                          
                          BARNEY
             Ease off, Carl...
                          
                          DUNG
             Carl is right, Mr. Jones...
                          
                          BARNEY
             Barney.
                          
                          DUNG
             Barney.  You good people are
             probably wanting some
             assurances that I will behave
             within the parameters set forth
             by the charter of your fine
             City.
                   (fanning the cards
                    out)
             Pick a card.

Barney takes the first card.  Dung offers the deck to Carl
who takes one, reluctantly.  Finally, Abbey tears her eyes
away from Dung's crotch and takes a card.
                          
                          DUNG
             What time does Star Trek come
             on here?
                          
                          CARL
             Original, Next Generation,
             Deep Space 9, or Voyager?
                          
                          DUNG
             "D S 9."
                          
                          CARL
             Sundays at 8:00 on Channel 21.
                          
                          DUNG
             Darn, we're out of here Sunday
             morning.
                   (pointing to Carl,
                    Barney and Abbey in
                    succession)
             Ace of Spade, Two of Diamonds,
             and Queen of Hearts.

The councilmen look at their cards, smile and concur before
handing them back with a little APPLAUSE.  Dung places a
briefcase across Barney's lap and starts a game of three-
card monte on the makeshift table.

INT/EXT.  BOBBY'S CAR - DAY

Wanker searches the crack in the seat and finds what he's
been looking for.
                          
                          WANKER
             Alright, I got it.

He pulls out a palm size plastic TV set and looks in the
small hole in the back of it.  Wanker squeezes the novelty
TV causing it to CLICK a new picture into frame.
                          
                          WANKER
             Oh, yeah, baby.  OOh la la.
                          
                          BOBBY
             What the hell is that?
                          
                          WANKER
             Just a little novelty I picked
             up.

Bobby holds out his hand and Wanker gives him the toy TV.
Wanker steers the car from the passenger seat while Bobby
CLICKS through a series of...

INSERT - OLD B/W PHOTOS OF NUDE WOMEN

...these women are busty and attractive in a 1950's sort of
way.  They also have in common one "other" quality.

BACK TO SCENE

Bobby also notices the "other" quality these women share as
he continues to CLICK through the naughty picture.
                          
                          BOBBY
             You know, Wank, I hate to say
             this but most of these women
             seem old... er.
                          
                          WANKER
                   (getting a little
                    defensive)
             Yeah, so?  I like mature,
             intelligent women.  Okay!?
                          
                          BOBBY
             Well, no one wants to pork an
             idiot...
                          
                          WANKER
             They got big boobs, don't they?

Bobby still has one eye closed as he peers through the peep
hole in the back of the TV set.
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (hesitant)
             Yeah, but your taste in women
             tends to lean towards 35+.
                          
                          WANKER
             Guilty.  I do like my pontoons.
                          
                          BOBBY
             No, I'm talking about age here.

Wanker, still steering from the driver's side, looks
contemptibly at Bobby who is still enjoying the peep show.
                          
                          WANKER
                   (defensive)
             Well, what's your point?
                          
                          BOBBY
             I think you might have an
             Oedipus complex.

Wanker looks like he just found out he had AIDS.
Incidentally, even though Wanker still holds the steering
wheel, he shows no interest in the road ahead.
                          
                          WANKER
             That's impossible.  I always
             use a rubber.
                          
                          BOBBY
             No, man, you're missing the
             point...

Bobby looks at Wanker who is rubbing his chin in deep
thought.  Bobby immediately asks himself, "who the hell is
steering the car!"
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (looking out the
                    windshield)
             SHIIIIIIIT!

EXT.  REALLY BIG CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY

Bobby's car SCREECHES to a halt, one foot over the
crosswalk and mere inches away from a jogger wearing a
priests collar and a walkman.  This is FATHER MIKE.  Father
Mike slams his hand down on Bobby's hood.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             What the hell's the matter with
             you?
                   (charging to the
                    driver side)
             Not everyone in a crosswalk is
             blessed, you bloody asshole.

INT/EXT.  BOBBY'S CAR - DAY

Bobby recognizes the irate man of God, and quickly rolls up
his window.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Shit, shit, shit.

Too late, Father Mike grabs the ascending window and
wrenches it back down.  He then grabs Bobby by the collar.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             You may escape the wrath of God
             but you'll wish you...
                   (recognizing)
             Bobby Barker!
                          
                          BOBBY
             Hi, Father Mike.  Sorry I
             almost killed you.

Father Mike doesn't let go of Bobby.  His Walkman has
fallen down around his neck and OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC exudes
forth.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             Bobby Barker.
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (wanting to leave)
             Yeah, well, if you're okay,
             I'll be...
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             Bobby Barker.  It's been a long
             time.

There is a strained pause, obviously some history here.
                          
                          BOBBY
             I've been meaning to come and
             see...
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             Bobby Barker.  As I live and
             breathe.
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (getting nowhere fast)
             Father Mike.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             GOD works in mysterious ways.

Bobby forces a smile, hoping Father Mike's vise-like grip
will ease up soon before the circulation to his brain
stops.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             I had a dream about love last
             night.  I woke up in a cold
             sweat and immediately thought
             of you.
                          
                          WANKER
             Gross.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
                   (to Wanker)
             Not that kind of love, weirdo.
                   (to Bobby)
             Got something you want to talk
             about, Bobby?
                          
                          BOBBY
             Nope.  Everything's fine with
             me.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             Liar.

Father Mike loosens his grip with one hand and starts
tugging on Bobby's nose and ear rings.  Bobby winces a
little.
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
                   (continuing)
             You know, Bobby, we're all just
             puppets pretending to be
             puppeteers.
                          
                          BOBBY
                   (ignoring the ring
                    tugging)
             So what's your point?
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             I had a girl come to confession
             last week.  She had rings
             similar to yours except they
             had a chain connecting all of
             them.  She sneezed and ripped
             half her face off.
                          
                          BOBBY
             Look, Father Mike, we're late
             for...
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             Of course you are.  Come see
             me, Bobby, I can help.
                          
                          BOBBY
             I'm really okay, honest.  I
             don't need...
                          
                          FATHER MIKE
             You will.

Father Mike releases Bobby and walks away, seemingly in
slow motion.
                          
                          WANKER
             Wow.

Spooked from the Priest's ominous words, Bobby swallows,
puts the car in gear, and motors away slowly.

INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY

Like a street hustler, Dung scrambles the three cards on
the briefcase sitting across Barney's lap.  Occasionally he
picks up one and shows his audience the Queen of Hearts.
                          
                          DUNG
             Keep your eye on the Queen.
             She'll steal your heart if
             you're not careful.

Dung winks at Abbey.
                          
                          DUNG
             Did you see last week's
             episode, Carl?
                          
                          CARL
             With the Klingon spy trying to
             kill Worf?
                          
                          DUNG
             Yeah.  Wasn't that cool?
                          
                          CARL
             Yeah.

Dung stops his three-card shuffle and motions to Carl.
Carl picks the middle card.  Abbey frowns.  Dung flips over
the card, Two of Diamonds.  He immediately flips over the
right card and shows the Queen of Hearts.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (shuffling again)
             You know I was supposed to be
             the Klingon judge in that, but
             brainiac here...
                   (points to Phil)
             ...schedules a recording
             session instead.
                          
                          CARL
             You're kidding?
                          
                          DUNG
             I went out, met Sisko and the
             crew, saw the sets, everything.
                          
                          CARL
             What a bum deal!
                   (to Phil)
             Golly, Phil, how could you?

Phil tries to look innocent and just shrugs his shoulders.
                          
                          DUNG
             Ah, don't be too hard on Phil;
             he's got a lot on his mind.
             What with all the cities he's
             trying to cram into our
             schedule.

Dung stops again and motions to Carl.  Carl points to the
card on the left.  Dung looks at Barney.
                          
                          BARNEY
             Yeah, that's it.

Abbey points to the card on the right.  Dung smiles and
flips over her card.  Sure enough it's the Queen of Hearts.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (shuffling again)
             Poor Phil, he has to constantly
             coordinate ahead of time with
             the city police, get approval
             from the fire marshall, deal
             with local vendors, and
             negotiate labor contracts with
             the local union, just to put on
             one show.  And that's not
             including booking
             accommodations for the band and
             our 100-plus crew.  You know
             putting on a single show is
             extremely difficult and
             expensive.

Dung stops shuffling.  Carl and Barney wait for Abbey to
choose.  She picks the middle and the two council men do
the same.
                          
                          DUNG
             Aside from visiting with my
             fans, the only benefit I see in
             doing these concerts is the
             enormous amount of money they
             pump back into the local
             economy.  In St. Louis alone we
             dropped 450,000.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
                   (correcting)
             500,000.
                          
                          DUNG
             Half a million dollars.

Dung flips over the middle card, Queen of Hearts.
                          
                          DUNG
             Everyone's a winner.
                   (to Abbey)
             You've got good eyes, Ms.
             Fitzgerald.
                          
                          ABBEY
             Thank you.
                          
                          DUNG
             And good taste in clothes.  Is
             that Liz Clairmont?
                          
                          ABBEY
                   (surprised)
             Why, yes it is.
                          
                          DUNG
             Ginny Fitzer, our costumer,
             does a lost of design work for
             Liz.
                          
                          ABBEY
             Really?  I just love her stuff.
                          
                          DUNG
             You ought to come backstage and
             meet her.  She's a really nice
             lady.  I'm sure she would
             appreciate your input, Ms.
             Fitzgerald.
                          
                          ABBEY
             Please, call me Abbey.

EXT.  HOTEL - DAY

Hundreds of NOISY fans, dressed in black, with pale skin
and dyed hair, mob the front of the hotel.  Police
barricades are the only thing keeping them from spilling
into the driveway.  SCREAMING erupts when the limo
approaches.

INT/EXT LIMO - DAY

Dung stops bullshitting long enough to notice his fans out
in front of the hotel.
                          
                          DUNG
             Hey, driver stop the car.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN
             Don't get out; we're already
             late for our radio interview.
             Just wave.
                          
                          DUNG
             Relax.
                   (to his contented
                    guests)
             Excuse me, Abbey, Carl, Barney.
             I don't want to disappoint my
             fans.

Dung opens the sun roof and stands up.

EXT.  HOTEL - DAY

The fans go nuts.  The sight of Dung drives them into a
frenzy.
                          
                          FANS (ASSORTED)
             Megahead. Megahead. Megahead.
             Down with the establishment.
             Lick my ass.
             Run with scissors.
             Hey, Dung, you're a piece of
             shit.  We love you.
             I want to have your baby.
             I want to eat her baby.

INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY

The City Council representatives are shocked at the
vulgarities from the fans.  Dung speaks from the sun roof.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (to the City Council)
             Boy, I sure would hate to piss
             these guys off.

EXT.  HOTEL - DAY

Dung shakes his fist in the air before making the familiar
jack-off sign.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (yelling)
             Alright, Pittsburgh.
                          
                          PHIL STEIN (O.S.)
             Dallas.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (still yelling)
             Dallas.  How about giving me
             some Megahead.

The crowd goes crazy.  Young girls offer themselves like
cheap prostitutes.  Young boys stare at the young girls and
mock jacking off on them.  If the whole thing wasn't so
disgusting it would be pretty damn silly.
                          
                          DUNG
             Come on, baby, give me some
             Megahead.  I got a mega hard
             on.

Dung starts humping the window from inside.  Abbey stares
at the pounding crotch, waiting for it to penetrate the
glass.
                          
                          MORE FANS
                   (still screaming
                    obnoxiously)
             Drink draino, ass wipe.
             Kill all adults.
             Up with capitalism.
             Eat quickly and go swimming.
             Welcome to Dallas, dick breath.
             Eat shit and die.
             We love you.
                          
                          DUNG
             You're all a bunch of mega
             mother fuckers.
                   (the crowd roars)
             Now burn this city to the
             ground.

With that, Dung disappears back into the limo.

INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY

Phil has his face buried in his hands.  Barney, Carl, and
Abbey are speechless as Dung starts to shuffle the deck of
cards.
                          
                          DUNG
                   (as if nothing
                    happened)
             There, that ought to hold them
             till tomorrow night.  Who's for
             a quick game of rummy?

EXT.  HOTEL - DAY

The limo speeds away as a malatov cocktail smashes into a
nearby parked car.  Pandemonium breaks out.  Fans rush
everywhere as police in riot gear draw their weapons.

                           
                            


Well that's not quite it for the first act, but you get the idea.   Lots of characters, lots of shenanigans. This probably needs one more re-write to take out the expensive parts (I later blow up an oil refinery) but I'll keep all the cheap laughs. Ahhhh, potty humor, smell la differencé.  If you're interested in knowing what happens next or you have any comments please shoot me an e-mail.

And thanks for reading.