|Catchy title, huh? I wanted to write a comedy that you would never see coming out of a studio. Something so raunchy and politically incorrect that it would make Eating Raoul look like a Disney movie. Fortunately for you the really disgusting parts don't happen until after the first act. Whenever I submitted this script before I'd send along a condom for the reader to wear. Hey, better safe than sorry!|
|This material is copyrighted © 1994 by Tom Alexander.    Plagiarism of any kind will result in prosecution.    Enjoy!|
"WEIRD SEX" by Tom Alexander FADE IN: INT. BOBBY'S BEDROOM - MORNING The lastest video from MEGAHEAD blares over a portable TV set. The lead singer, known only as DUNG, is deafening as he SCREAMS into a mike. BOBBY BARKER thrashes about his room, mimicking the lead guitarist. Wearing a headset connected directly to his guitar, Bobby is deaf to the outside world, only the VOLUME of the TV set spares us from hearing his performance. The kinetic nineteen year-old, a pale-skinned, dyed hair, multi-pierced (including a nose ring) average teenager, is totally oblivious to his MOTHER's entry into the room. MRS. BARKER Robert, Wayne called, his car is screwed up again... (yelling above the music) Robert, are you listening to me? She punches off the TV making Bobby's performance painfully audible. BOBBY (singing) Put your body in Gere, You furry little queer, I got you up my ass, sweet piece of broken glass. Sphincter of doom, Sphincter of doom, Beware the chocolate room. MRS. BARKER What the hell are you doing? Bobby, now aware of his mother's presence stops abruptly. MRS. BARKER People pay for that crap? BOBBY It has a lot of social significance. MRS. BARKER Wayne called, he needs a lift to rehearsal. BOBBY Animal Rights people love this song. Mrs. Barker leaves and Bobby follows. MRS. BARKER (O.S.) God, music has changed. BOBBY (O.S.) Hey, its no different than... "Muskrat Love." INT. DILLIS' WAREHOUSE - DAY Large windows filter in shafts of light, illuminating the temporary living area constructed out of used sheet rock and hanging curtains. From above, the living area resembles a laboratory maze for mice. The difference being that the mice in this case are on top of the maze looking down on the human. The human, in this case, is DILLIS DUNSON. His young, short, stocky body is sprawled across a floor mattress. INT. DILLIS' BEDROOM - DAY An old alarm clock begins playing soothing MUSIC causing Dillis to stir awake. Attached to the alarm clock is a stickum note which reads "Beep Snatch." Looking like total shit, Dillis zombies up off the floor and into the bathroom. INT. DILLIS' BATHROOM - DAY Dillis fumbles for his glasses on the top of the toilet and puts them on while relieving himself. Finished, he reaches for the handle, and his glasses fall in the toilet with a disgusting SPLASH. DILLIS (reaching for his glasses) Shit, shit, shit. Dillis retrieves the sopping glasses and washes them off in the sink. He looks in the medicine cabinet mirror and admires his goofy face as he puts on his dripping glasses. DILLIS (almost like Nat King Cole) Mono Liza, Mono Liza, men have named you... Attached to the mirror is a stickum note which reads "Beep Snatch." Dillis grabs his toothbrush and opens his medicine cabinet. He turns white with fear as he watches a mouse suck the end of his tube of toothpaste. Slamming the cabinet, he runs SCREAMING from the bathroom. Moments later he returns with a hammer. DILLIS Ohhh, Mickey, you're so dead... Dillis throws open the cabinet, but the mouse has escaped through a hole near the bottom shelf. The crisis over, Dillis resumes the process of brushing his teeth. It's not long after he starts brushing that he realizes he's using the same toothpaste the mouse was licking earlier. Dillis GAGS. INT. ROBINSON KITCHEN - MORNING EVE ROBINSON, thirty-nine (again), takes a hard drag on a cigarette as she dumps the last of the scrambled eggs into Wayne's, WANKER to his friends, plate. Wanker, almost twenty, shows little acknowledgement of this gracious lady's effort. Instead he looks at the smoldering cigarette with utter contempt. Eve rolls her eyes and crushes the cigarette into an ash tray. EVE Happy? WANKER I didn't say anything. Obviously this is not the happy household like the Barkers. EVE Your father called last night. WANKER So? EVE He's in Chicago for the weekend. Said he'll be back Monday. WANKER So? EVE So he wants "us" to do something. WANKER That's a laugh. EVE Cut him some slack will you... WANKER Why? He never cuts me any! The stalemate of silent tension breaks when a horn HONKS from outside. WANKER That's Bobby, I gotta go. EVE What time are you going be home tonight? WANKER Late, we got a gig. Wanker slings a large duffle bag over his shoulder and heads for the door. Eve walks him to the door, fixing his collar and fussing over him as if he were nine instead of nineteen. EVE Have a good day. WANKER Yeah, you too. Wanker turns to leave. EVE Hey, where's my kiss good-bye. Wanker gives her a peck on the lips. He pauses, close to her face. Her eyes penetrate his and the tension between them melts away as their open mouths meet again for the deepest, longest, most passionate kiss two people could ever share without conceiving. WANKER Sorry I was a jerk. EVE That's okay, it's been tough on all of us. Your father's had quite a jolt. First your mother dying and now me. WANKER Look he's going to have to accept you... EVE He will, just give him some time. Be the big one here. The horn HONKS again. WANKER Yeah, alright. I love you. EVE I love you, too. Good luck tonight. Wanker leaves, and Eve lights up another cigarette. INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY The DJ finishes delivering the traffic report as Bobby waits impatiently for Wanker. DJ ON RADIO ...W-E-D-G, the wedge, presents, The Battle of the Bands. Dallas' best, fight it out in an all night rock fest to see who has the Heaviest Metal. Five hundred bucks and front row tickets to "Megahead" go to the winner. BOBBY It sure ain't going to be us if we don't start rehearsing soon. DJ ON RADIO ...The war begins at 9pm at the Ritz, where every night is dollar-beer night, and single ladies drink for free... Wanker throws his stuff in the back seat and gets in front. BOBBY It's about time. WANKER Commitment. I think I'm ready for it. DJ ON RADIO Later on this morning, Megahead will be in our studio with IMAX. The controversial heavy metal band is playing tomorrow to a sellout crowd at Reunion arena... INT. DILLIS' LIVING ROOM - DAY Secondhand furniture would make this place look like Buckingham Palace. Dillis enters swigging a large bottle of Listerine. He grabs the phone which has a stickum note stuck to it that reads, "Beep Snatch." Dillis dials a number, waits for a tone then enters his own number before hanging up. He gargles enthusiastically until he notices a dead baby mouse at the bottom of the Listerine bottle. Dillis SPRAYS. INT. LOLITA'S BEDROOM - DAY "Boner's Butt Balloons" is the insignia on the back of a jumpsuit that is strewn across a chair. Leading to the bed is a littered trail of clothes, including a candy-striped G- string. Floating above the bed is a balloon shaped like a butt. Anchoring the balloon is a card that reads, "I Love Your Ass," in red glitter letters. On the bed is a heap of sheets, quilts, pillows, sweat, and two lovers. BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, goes the beeper, waking two lovers from a satisfying sleep. LOLITA, an attractive housewife is the first to emerge from the heap, with a hangover. LOLITA Hey, is that you? (poking the other heap) Hey. SNATCH, a male Madonna with rock-star length hair, pushes his way free from the layers of sheets and quilts. SNATCH Huh? BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, goes the beeper again. SNATCH Uh, yeah, I think so. Snatch gets out of bed and finds his beeper tucked inside his G-string. He looks at the number. SNATCH (to himself) I might have known. (to Lolita) You got a phone I can use? Lolita points to a squirrel on the night stand. Snatch fiddles with the strange phone before he figures out you listen to its nose and talk into its little squirrel dick. INT. DILLIS' LIVING ROOM - DAY Like a miniature battalion of tanks, fifty mouse traps are lined up on the coffee table next to some crushed beer cans, the phone, and a package of stale cheese. Dillis has set the last trap and is now carefully baiting each one with cheese. The phone RINGS real loud, startling him. He fumbles for the phone and drops it on the table causing a massive chain reaction. Fifty snapping mouse traps scatter in the air sending Dillis diving for cover. SNATCH (V.O.) (filtered) Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Dillis surveys the phone, which is surrounded by dozens of sprung? mousetraps. He carefully picks up the receiver. SNAP, a live one goes off near Dillis' arm causing him to flinch. DILLIS What the hell do you want? SNATCH (V.O.) (filtered) You called me, numb nuts. DILLIS Oh, hey, Snatch. Bobby wanted me to remind you that we have an early rehearsal today. SNATCH (V.O.) What for? DILLIS The Battle tonight, remember? SNATCH (V.O.) Oh yeah. DILLIS First place is 500 dollars and tickets to Megahead. SNATCH (V.O.) 500 dollars, huh? Yeah, I'll be there. DILLIS Where are you at? INT. LOLITA'S BEDROOM - DAY SNATCH I'm... at a clients. Had a late delivery last night that turned into an all-nighter. I'll fill you in on the gory details later. DILLIS (V.O.) (filtered) You always do. Snatch hangs the squirrel up and leans back in bed. LOLITA So what did you say your name was? SNATCH Snatch. Snatch is the name. LOLITA And snatch is your game. Ha ha. (holding her head) Oh my head. How much did we drink last night, lover? SNATCH (surprised) You were drunk? LOLITA Hey babe, don't worry; you were fantastic. Best I've ever had. In fact, if I were a lesbian you'd have cured me. SNATCH Thanks, you were pretty good yourself. Snatch gets up and starts to gather his clothes. LOLITA So who sent you, anyway? SNATCH Some guy named Thor called it in. LOLITA Oh, my husband. SNATCH Your husband's name is Thor? LOLITA That's just a pet name I gave him because he's got such a big hammer. Snatch sits on the bed and pulls on his jump suit. Lolita grabs Snatch and pins him on the bed. LOLITA I'll bet my husband didn't tell you I was an alcoholic nymphomaniac. SNATCH (searching his memory) Hmmm, now that you mention it, no he didn't. LOLITA So what are you, some sort of rock star wannabe? Delivering stupid balloon-o-grams, hoping one day some lonely record execs wife will make you her personal boy toy and con her husband into giving you a fat recording contract. SNATCH (searching his memory again) Yeah. LOLITA (kissing Snatch) Alright, Tex, time to get back in the saddle. SNATCH So is uh... your husband in the record business? LOLITA Ask me later, Cowboy, after you join my posse. The two start to make love when all of a sudden they hear someone ENTERING the front door. VOICE (O.S.) (calling out) Lolita, honey, I'm here to drop the hammer. The voice is a lot like James Earl Jones doing Darth Vader. SNATCH Your husband? LOLITA Bingo! EXT. AIRPORT RUNWAY - DAY A Lear Jet painted with the "MEGAHEAD" logo taxis to a stop in front of a crew bus and a limo. A door opens on the airplane with a puff of smoke. Out staggers a motley crew of groupies, roadies and band members. PHIL STEIN, the band's manager, anxiously awaits the lead singer, known only as Dung, to emerge from the Lear jet. The lead guitarist, BRIAN LEAKS, staggers past Phil in an obviously drugged state. PHIL STEIN (grabbing the dazed guitarist) Where is he? He is conscious isn't he? Please say he's conscious. BRIAN LEAKS Philly, how's it going? PHIL STEIN This is serious, where is he? BRIAN LEAKS It's always serious with you. The last of the motley crew has staggered off the plane and over to the crew bus. Phil starts to panic. PHIL STEIN Where is he? Where's Dung? BRIAN LEAKS Up my ass. Want to see? Ha Ha. The Lead Guitarist staggers past Phil and spots the limo. BRIAN LEAKS Alright, a limo. Travelin' in style. PHIL STEIN No, no, stay away from the limo. Phil grabs Brian and re-directs him to the crew bus. BRIAN LEAKS I never get to ride in the limo! Phil looks at the limo apprehensively, before walking to the airplane. The pilot emerges from the plane wearing sunglasses and a pilot's cap. Phil darts over to him. PHIL STEIN Where is he? You were supposed to take care of him. Didn't you get my message? They're here... (pointing to the limo) and if that little shit screws this up... The pilot whips off his hat and sunglasses revealing DUNG, the long-haired, big-nosed lead singer of Megahead. If Howard Stern had a twin brother, he'd be Dung. DUNG The name is Dung. Phil is surprised by the disguise. Dung smiles and walks towards the limo. Phil hustles along side him. PHIL STEIN Where's the pilot? DUNG Lawanda is blowing him. PHIL STEIN Your wife is giving him head? DUNG You sound surprised. PHIL STEIN Call me old-fashioned. Dung marches past Phil to the limo. Phil races ahead of him. PHIL STEIN Look we've got a big problem. Did you get my message that the city council is threatening to cancel our show? DUNG Why? PHIL STEIN They say your act is obscene and violates several of their health codes. DUNG Give me a break. PHIL STEIN Well, you did eat that bag of shit in Atlantic City. DUNG I thought is was fudge. A fan threw it up on stage. What am I supposed to do? PHIL STEIN Hey, can I help it if some people find that disgusting? DUNG It was disgusting. I had to get my stomach pumped. PHIL STEIN Anyway, they're here. DUNG Who? PHIL STEIN The City Council. DUNG What? PHIL STEIN They're waiting in the limo. DUNG Great! What about my fans? PHIL STEIN They're waiting at the hotel. Don't worry we'll drive by on the way to the radio station. Phil opens the limo door and gets in. INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY Phil smiles at the three suits; CARL SANDERS, BARNEY JONES, and ABBEY FITZGERALD, the City Council representatives. Dung sticks his big nose into the car, and the cold war begins. PHIL STEIN (trying to warm things up) Mr. Sanders, Mr. Jones, Ms. Fitzgerald, I'd like you to meet...uh.. DUNG Dung. Dung Ho. (singing like Don Ho) "Tiny Bubbles in the wine make me feel happy make me feel fine." Everyone sing along,"Tiny Bubbles make me warm all over... The council gawk at Dung as if he just arrive from Mars. INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY Bobby drives as Wanker fishes through the glove compartment. BOBBY You're making a mess. WANKER I know I left it in here last night. BOBBY Why do you keep leaving shit in my car? WANKER Because Eve goes through my pockets. BOBBY Tell her to stop. WANKER I would, but then she won't wash my clothes. BOBBY Christ, it's like living with your mother. Bobby immediately regrets what he just said. BOBBY Sorry. WANKER It's okay. (sees a hitchhiker) Hey, is that Trixie? EXT. ROAD -DAY TRIXIE, an attractive, girl-next-door with dyed short hair, pale skin and the same silly multitude of nose and earrings stands on the curb carrying a duffle bag with her thumb in the air. Bobby doesn't even slow down. She flips him off as he passes. Wanker offers a friendly wave, in return. INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY BOBBY No, that's history. WANKER (surprised) What!? Did you split with Trixie? Bobby glances at the rearview mirror. His eyes turn misty, obviously the recent break up still has him a little shook up. BOBBY (swallowing back the tears) Yeah. WANKER Pal, what happened? Did she dump you? Or did you dump her? BOBBY Does it matter? WANKER Yeah, it does. Bobby thinks about. Yeah, I guess it does matter. BOBBY I broke up with her. WANKER Wow, what happened? BOBBY I just said I think we ought to date other people. WANKER Wow. How'd she take that? Bobby winces in heart-felt pain. He chooses his words carefully, the crushing memory taxes his emotions to the max. EXT. DARK PARKING LOT - NIGHT It becomes apparent almost immediately that we are staring at someone's crotch. BOBBY (V.O.) She cried. Suddenly the crotch is dealt an exquisite kick to the balls causing the owner, in this case, Bobby, to drop to his knees in immense pain. WANKER (V.O.) She cried? BOBBY (V.O.) She cried a lot. Tears roll from Bobby's eyes. Trixie starts kicking her ball-less ex-boyfriend. WANKER (V.O.) Wow. What'd she do then? BOBBY (V.O.) She said, "I'll always love you." TRIXIE (as Bobby tries to rise) You sorry sack of shit! Trixie delivers a fantastic round-house punch that hammers Bobby on the chin sending him spinning back to the pavement. WANKER (V.O.) Then what happened? BOBBY (V.O.) She ran crying off into the night. Bobby covers his face and ass as he hightails it away from the juggernaut of female scorn. INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY WANKER Wow. When did this happened? BOBBY Last week. WANKER Wow. First you fall down a flight of stairs, and now you tell me you broke up with Trix. BOBBY Oh, well, actually I broke up with her first and then fell down a flight of stairs. WANKER Wow. INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY Dung sits next to Phil and directly across from Abbey Fitzgerald. The two Councilmen are sizing up this long haired weirdo, while the respectable council woman notices Dung's bulging crotch. In an attempt to diffuse the situation, Dung smiles and produces a deck of cards. DUNG You like to fish Mr. Sanders? Dung shuffles the cards like a Las Vegas dealer. CARL Excuse me? BARNEY Hah! Carl wouldn't know which end of the hook to bait. DUNG Is that so? How about you Mr. Jones, what's good around here, bass, crappie, blue gill? BARNEY Bass mainly. DUNG (surprised) Last bass I got was a 9 pounder. BARNEY Uh-huh. DUNG We was cranking over some moss beds, throwing spinner bait. Strike King's got a new lure called a scalawag... BARNEY I got one. Those are great. Last weekend, everyone was fishing chuggers except me. I was throwing my new scalawag and damned if I didn't bring home the bacon that night. DUNG Is the fishing good locally? BARNEY I'd say we've got a few lakes that are pretty well stocked... DUNG Really? Do you have a boat? BARNEY You bet. You want to go out sometime? DUNG I'd need to borrow some tackle. BARNEY No problem. CARL I think we need to get down to business. BARNEY Ease off, Carl... DUNG Carl is right, Mr. Jones... BARNEY Barney. DUNG Barney. You good people are probably wanting some assurances that I will behave within the parameters set forth by the charter of your fine City. (fanning the cards out) Pick a card. Barney takes the first card. Dung offers the deck to Carl who takes one, reluctantly. Finally, Abbey tears her eyes away from Dung's crotch and takes a card. DUNG What time does Star Trek come on here? CARL Original, Next Generation, Deep Space 9, or Voyager? DUNG "D S 9." CARL Sundays at 8:00 on Channel 21. DUNG Darn, we're out of here Sunday morning. (pointing to Carl, Barney and Abbey in succession) Ace of Spade, Two of Diamonds, and Queen of Hearts. The councilmen look at their cards, smile and concur before handing them back with a little APPLAUSE. Dung places a briefcase across Barney's lap and starts a game of three- card monte on the makeshift table. INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY Wanker searches the crack in the seat and finds what he's been looking for. WANKER Alright, I got it. He pulls out a palm size plastic TV set and looks in the small hole in the back of it. Wanker squeezes the novelty TV causing it to CLICK a new picture into frame. WANKER Oh, yeah, baby. OOh la la. BOBBY What the hell is that? WANKER Just a little novelty I picked up. Bobby holds out his hand and Wanker gives him the toy TV. Wanker steers the car from the passenger seat while Bobby CLICKS through a series of... INSERT - OLD B/W PHOTOS OF NUDE WOMEN ...these women are busty and attractive in a 1950's sort of way. They also have in common one "other" quality. BACK TO SCENE Bobby also notices the "other" quality these women share as he continues to CLICK through the naughty picture. BOBBY You know, Wank, I hate to say this but most of these women seem old... er. WANKER (getting a little defensive) Yeah, so? I like mature, intelligent women. Okay!? BOBBY Well, no one wants to pork an idiot... WANKER They got big boobs, don't they? Bobby still has one eye closed as he peers through the peep hole in the back of the TV set. BOBBY (hesitant) Yeah, but your taste in women tends to lean towards 35+. WANKER Guilty. I do like my pontoons. BOBBY No, I'm talking about age here. Wanker, still steering from the driver's side, looks contemptibly at Bobby who is still enjoying the peep show. WANKER (defensive) Well, what's your point? BOBBY I think you might have an Oedipus complex. Wanker looks like he just found out he had AIDS. Incidentally, even though Wanker still holds the steering wheel, he shows no interest in the road ahead. WANKER That's impossible. I always use a rubber. BOBBY No, man, you're missing the point... Bobby looks at Wanker who is rubbing his chin in deep thought. Bobby immediately asks himself, "who the hell is steering the car!" BOBBY (looking out the windshield) SHIIIIIIIT! EXT. REALLY BIG CATHOLIC CHURCH - DAY Bobby's car SCREECHES to a halt, one foot over the crosswalk and mere inches away from a jogger wearing a priests collar and a walkman. This is FATHER MIKE. Father Mike slams his hand down on Bobby's hood. FATHER MIKE What the hell's the matter with you? (charging to the driver side) Not everyone in a crosswalk is blessed, you bloody asshole. INT/EXT. BOBBY'S CAR - DAY Bobby recognizes the irate man of God, and quickly rolls up his window. BOBBY Shit, shit, shit. Too late, Father Mike grabs the ascending window and wrenches it back down. He then grabs Bobby by the collar. FATHER MIKE You may escape the wrath of God but you'll wish you... (recognizing) Bobby Barker! BOBBY Hi, Father Mike. Sorry I almost killed you. Father Mike doesn't let go of Bobby. His Walkman has fallen down around his neck and OMINOUS ORGAN MUSIC exudes forth. FATHER MIKE Bobby Barker. BOBBY (wanting to leave) Yeah, well, if you're okay, I'll be... FATHER MIKE Bobby Barker. It's been a long time. There is a strained pause, obviously some history here. BOBBY I've been meaning to come and see... FATHER MIKE Bobby Barker. As I live and breathe. BOBBY (getting nowhere fast) Father Mike. FATHER MIKE GOD works in mysterious ways. Bobby forces a smile, hoping Father Mike's vise-like grip will ease up soon before the circulation to his brain stops. FATHER MIKE I had a dream about love last night. I woke up in a cold sweat and immediately thought of you. WANKER Gross. FATHER MIKE (to Wanker) Not that kind of love, weirdo. (to Bobby) Got something you want to talk about, Bobby? BOBBY Nope. Everything's fine with me. FATHER MIKE Liar. Father Mike loosens his grip with one hand and starts tugging on Bobby's nose and ear rings. Bobby winces a little. FATHER MIKE (continuing) You know, Bobby, we're all just puppets pretending to be puppeteers. BOBBY (ignoring the ring tugging) So what's your point? FATHER MIKE I had a girl come to confession last week. She had rings similar to yours except they had a chain connecting all of them. She sneezed and ripped half her face off. BOBBY Look, Father Mike, we're late for... FATHER MIKE Of course you are. Come see me, Bobby, I can help. BOBBY I'm really okay, honest. I don't need... FATHER MIKE You will. Father Mike releases Bobby and walks away, seemingly in slow motion. WANKER Wow. Spooked from the Priest's ominous words, Bobby swallows, puts the car in gear, and motors away slowly. INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY Like a street hustler, Dung scrambles the three cards on the briefcase sitting across Barney's lap. Occasionally he picks up one and shows his audience the Queen of Hearts. DUNG Keep your eye on the Queen. She'll steal your heart if you're not careful. Dung winks at Abbey. DUNG Did you see last week's episode, Carl? CARL With the Klingon spy trying to kill Worf? DUNG Yeah. Wasn't that cool? CARL Yeah. Dung stops his three-card shuffle and motions to Carl. Carl picks the middle card. Abbey frowns. Dung flips over the card, Two of Diamonds. He immediately flips over the right card and shows the Queen of Hearts. DUNG (shuffling again) You know I was supposed to be the Klingon judge in that, but brainiac here... (points to Phil) ...schedules a recording session instead. CARL You're kidding? DUNG I went out, met Sisko and the crew, saw the sets, everything. CARL What a bum deal! (to Phil) Golly, Phil, how could you? Phil tries to look innocent and just shrugs his shoulders. DUNG Ah, don't be too hard on Phil; he's got a lot on his mind. What with all the cities he's trying to cram into our schedule. Dung stops again and motions to Carl. Carl points to the card on the left. Dung looks at Barney. BARNEY Yeah, that's it. Abbey points to the card on the right. Dung smiles and flips over her card. Sure enough it's the Queen of Hearts. DUNG (shuffling again) Poor Phil, he has to constantly coordinate ahead of time with the city police, get approval from the fire marshall, deal with local vendors, and negotiate labor contracts with the local union, just to put on one show. And that's not including booking accommodations for the band and our 100-plus crew. You know putting on a single show is extremely difficult and expensive. Dung stops shuffling. Carl and Barney wait for Abbey to choose. She picks the middle and the two council men do the same. DUNG Aside from visiting with my fans, the only benefit I see in doing these concerts is the enormous amount of money they pump back into the local economy. In St. Louis alone we dropped 450,000. PHIL STEIN (correcting) 500,000. DUNG Half a million dollars. Dung flips over the middle card, Queen of Hearts. DUNG Everyone's a winner. (to Abbey) You've got good eyes, Ms. Fitzgerald. ABBEY Thank you. DUNG And good taste in clothes. Is that Liz Clairmont? ABBEY (surprised) Why, yes it is. DUNG Ginny Fitzer, our costumer, does a lost of design work for Liz. ABBEY Really? I just love her stuff. DUNG You ought to come backstage and meet her. She's a really nice lady. I'm sure she would appreciate your input, Ms. Fitzgerald. ABBEY Please, call me Abbey. EXT. HOTEL - DAY Hundreds of NOISY fans, dressed in black, with pale skin and dyed hair, mob the front of the hotel. Police barricades are the only thing keeping them from spilling into the driveway. SCREAMING erupts when the limo approaches. INT/EXT LIMO - DAY Dung stops bullshitting long enough to notice his fans out in front of the hotel. DUNG Hey, driver stop the car. PHIL STEIN Don't get out; we're already late for our radio interview. Just wave. DUNG Relax. (to his contented guests) Excuse me, Abbey, Carl, Barney. I don't want to disappoint my fans. Dung opens the sun roof and stands up. EXT. HOTEL - DAY The fans go nuts. The sight of Dung drives them into a frenzy. FANS (ASSORTED) Megahead. Megahead. Megahead. Down with the establishment. Lick my ass. Run with scissors. Hey, Dung, you're a piece of shit. We love you. I want to have your baby. I want to eat her baby. INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY The City Council representatives are shocked at the vulgarities from the fans. Dung speaks from the sun roof. DUNG (to the City Council) Boy, I sure would hate to piss these guys off. EXT. HOTEL - DAY Dung shakes his fist in the air before making the familiar jack-off sign. DUNG (yelling) Alright, Pittsburgh. PHIL STEIN (O.S.) Dallas. DUNG (still yelling) Dallas. How about giving me some Megahead. The crowd goes crazy. Young girls offer themselves like cheap prostitutes. Young boys stare at the young girls and mock jacking off on them. If the whole thing wasn't so disgusting it would be pretty damn silly. DUNG Come on, baby, give me some Megahead. I got a mega hard on. Dung starts humping the window from inside. Abbey stares at the pounding crotch, waiting for it to penetrate the glass. MORE FANS (still screaming obnoxiously) Drink draino, ass wipe. Kill all adults. Up with capitalism. Eat quickly and go swimming. Welcome to Dallas, dick breath. Eat shit and die. We love you. DUNG You're all a bunch of mega mother fuckers. (the crowd roars) Now burn this city to the ground. With that, Dung disappears back into the limo. INT/EXT. LIMO - DAY Phil has his face buried in his hands. Barney, Carl, and Abbey are speechless as Dung starts to shuffle the deck of cards. DUNG (as if nothing happened) There, that ought to hold them till tomorrow night. Who's for a quick game of rummy? EXT. HOTEL - DAY The limo speeds away as a malatov cocktail smashes into a nearby parked car. Pandemonium breaks out. Fans rush everywhere as police in riot gear draw their weapons.
Well that's not quite it for the first act, but you get the idea. Lots of characters, lots of shenanigans. This probably needs one more re-write to take out the expensive parts (I later blow up an oil refinery) but I'll keep all the cheap laughs. Ahhhh, potty humor, smell la differencé. If you're interested in knowing what happens next or you have any comments please shoot me an e-mail.
And thanks for reading.
And thanks for reading.